


Bones

by leonardodicaprio



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Binge Drinking, Blow Jobs, Confusion, Drug Abuse, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, F/M, Hand Jobs, Heroin, LSD, M/M, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, love is scary, so is Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-23 01:02:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 41,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonardodicaprio/pseuds/leonardodicaprio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he's so scared of Liam because the moment after they met, his resolve started to break. Or maybe their story is just horribly timed. It doesn't matter either way, really, he's going mental and Liam's going to be there to witness it.  </p><p>***very very very loosely based off of the uk tv series skins***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited

Zayn wakes up screaming. Full on blood curdling, throat butchering screaming but it doesn't hurt and he doesn't cry. He hasn't cried since year ten when his dad died in a car accident. He knew he'd get through it though because he had Niall to comfort him and more importantly he had Louis to buy him endless amounts of vodka and Captain Morgan. And maybe it should hurt but at this point -compared to all the smoke and pills and hard liquor and other substances that have found their ways in his mouth and down his esophagus- it doesn't even cause a tickle. Normally he can shake off his nightmares, chase away the sounds of screeching metal and the splatter of blood with a long swill of whatever ends up in his flask. He's used to it, used to waking up from the sounds of his own screams but this night terror was particularly, well, terrorizing. And he doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't want to relive it again so he doesn't speak, he never does.

Zayn runs his hands over his face, feeling the prickle of his stubble and wills himself to look at his phone, and how fantastically convenient, he slept straight through school. It's already five pm which is good because now he doesn't have to wait much longer before its a socially acceptable hour to get shit faced again. His life is a constant loop of Fuckup.Drink.Forget.Fuckup.Drink.Forget. And he can't get stuck at one point in the cycle because then everything else would shatter and that just can't happen so its time to start the day with a good old classic Zayn Malik fuck up.

He has the house to himself, he usually does. His sisters are out at school or play dates or real dates or generally trying to better their lives. His mother is usually working and when she's in between her endless hours of work she's locked in her room crying over pictures of her deceased husband and drinking something strong that she pretends didn't come from her underaged son. Zayn would never admit it but he is practically a carbon copy of her, dysfunctionality and all. He doesn't even have to acknowledge it either because there's this unspoken agreement in the household to just let her be. Doniya cooks and cares for the girls and leaves a plate of food outside their mother's bedroom and Zayn steals food from his mate's houses and when he can't be bothered to do that he just doesn't eat and he doesn't care.

He considers inviting Louis over because Louis always has at least two grams of weed on him at all times and Zayn conveniently has some paper to roll it in. But then he'd rather not deal with Safaa walking in on him and Louis down each others throats and pants because they both have this odd tendency to get extremely horny after a bit of spliff and Zayn isn't sure how much longer it is until his sisters get home. So he pulls on a loose white tee and his cracked leather jacket with whatever black skinny pants are on the floor. He forgets how out of shape he is sometimes and has to take a breather after rushing down the stairs so his head can stop spinning and he can tie up his steel toed boots and finally get out of the black hole that is his house

He starts walking, he's not quite sure where to but it's cold and his cheeks are starting to numb and its oddly refreshing so he keeps on striding down the street coolly with his hands in his pockets. It's only an hour later when he's really craving a cigarette that he has to to stop and light up and damnit if his lighter weren't out of fluid. He silently curses Niall under his breath for always asking to borrow it. The greedy bastard probably doesn't even own a lighter of his own. He spots a petrol station up the road and heads towards it without a penny in his pocket or to his name.

Zayn can't quite remember the last time he paid for anything other than cigarettes which he'd knick too if they weren't kept behind the counter. He walks in easily, nonchalantly, because this has got to be at least the fiftieth time he's done this and he's perfected the art of an innocent face. He goes to the bathroom first, fakes stretching on the way there like he's just taken a break from a long trip on the road. He spends a minute or two rinsing his hands and straightening himself out before walking back out and roaming the isles for the perfect amount of time before inconspicuously grabbing a lighter right off of the display without missing a beat. He pulls out his phone then bringing it to his ear he lets out a sigh.

"Okay, okay Mum I'm coming, calm down." And it's all so routine that he feels a bit of genuine annoyance to the non existent mother that's waiting for him in the car.

Except its not routine this time because nowhere in the set list is there a firm grip on his shoulder spinning him around and glaring at him disgustedly with big brown eyes. He smirks then looks affronted because normal people aren't supposed to get off on this but he is, oh how he is. The stranger could easily take him, he's got biceps to die for and Zayn can practically see his abs through his shirt that leaves too much to the imagination.

"Put it back." He demands innocently and Zayn just laughs dubiously because who the fuck is this guy to just boss him around.

"I'm afraid I haven't a clue what you're talking about, mate. It's been nice but I've got a bus to catch." Zayn tries to side step him, not realizing just how firm of a grip this kid has on him.

"Don't play dumb. Put the lighter back or I'll bring an employee into this." And Zayn is trying so hard to not just laugh in his face because he looks so sincere, like Zayn stealing a 99p lighter is the crime of the century.

"Fine, fine." Zayn says, placing the lighter back in its rightful place and batting his lashes.

There's another station right across the street and he gets off on the thrill so what's another ten minutes before his next cigarette? Then, of all the things in the world this guy can do, he picks up the lighter and buys for it Zayn. And Zayn is confused because why would you buy something you can just as easily take. He watches dumbfounded, the doe eyed boy sidling back up to him, lighter in tow. Zayn just stares at him blankly, he's rarely at a loss for words but right now he's not sure what to do let alone what to say.

"You're welcome." The stranger says, waving the lighter towards Zayn who easily takes it and shoves it in his pocket which is actually quite the feat considering how tight his jeans are.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah thanks, mate." Zayn stammers and he wants to leave now because nobody is that nice for no reason and he isn't ready to give him anything in return.

"I'm Liam." He sticks out his hand towards Zayn who only flinches a little before shaking Liam's hand in a firm grasp.

"Zayn." He nods. "I don't know what you want but-"

"What?" Liam clips and looks completely scandalized. "Nothing, I don't want anything. Just figured I'd spare you a criminal record is all."

Zayn murmurs a half hearted thank you and rushes out of the shop with Liam calling after him and shouting something that sounds like a 'see you around' through the blaring horns of traffic. Liam is weird, he decides. Liam is weird and kind but it doesn't matter because they'll never see each other again.

  
Zayn has completely forgotten Leeroy or Ian or whatever his name was by the time he's on Louis' doorstep. He secretly hopes Niall isn't there because the boys been pining after him for as long as he an remember but lately he's gotten more desperate and Zayn isn't in the mood to play nice right now. He just needs a good fuck to clear his head and Louis is the man for that job. He doesn't even knock, he just barges in with an obnoxious 'Honey I'm home!' and is greeted by Louis' matching him with an obnoxious 'Oh darling, I've missed you all day, how was work?' And everything is back into routine then so he breaths a laugh and falls onto the ratty old couch next to Louis.

All Zayn wants right now and all he's ever wanted since that day in year ten is to get high and get wasted and mix his liquor and be reckless. Louis shoots him a mischievous smirk and his mind already bubbles with excitement because Louis has something planned. Since day one they've been partners in crime, being the only ones that can keep up with each other, through thick and thin, through pranks and most likely alcoholism. Zayn can easily say he loves Louis, of course he does, they're best mates and if they fuck, they fuck. It doesn't mean a thing, they'd never work like that, they'd but heads too much and they're both obviously two completely dominant figures. There's always been the understanding that they're just fooling around in between hook ups, it's easier this way. With no chance of pregnancy or feelings developing.

"Niall called, wanted to know if you were gonna be over." Louis wiggles his eyebrows and has this shit eating grin on his face and Zayn doesn't even have to ask to know that Louis told the lad that he would be.

"You dick head. You know he's been extra clingy lately. You'll fucking pay for this Tomlinson." Zayn sneers and Louis is doubled over in laughter, tears of mirth escaping his eyes and Zayn is watching in amusement. Louis always laughs stupidly when he's this baked.

"Just fuck him and get on with it. That way when you don't call him back the next day the kid will finally realize what an ass hat you are and all his unrequited love will fizzle out." Louis' been trying this angle for a while and once when Zayn was particularly drunk he almost went through with it but even through the wasted haze his conscience willed him not to.

"No." Zayn starts sternly. "You know that would never happen. He's too nice, I can't fuck with his emotions like that. I mean he's Niall for Christs sake." Like that's some sort of grand reason, just because he's Niall Zayn won't have sex with him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Louis quips because he's really not that invested in this argument, he just wants to mess with Zayn.

"Plus we both know its not even sex he wants, he just has a crush. He'll get over it." And as if on que the door bell rings and Louis' shit eating grin returns.

"I came here to fuck you, Tommo. Not to have you fuck with me." Zayn calls out after Louis who's swinging his hips over dramatically and flipping Zayn off without a second glance.

Niall off of drugs is one nervous time bomb, ticking with social anxiety and phobias and twitching until he's got at least a joint in his system. And then, when he's strung out on whatever Zayn and Louis give him he's bubbly and loud and boisterous and happy. So, so happy. And Zayn gets it, understands what it's like to be high strung, finally relaxing with the drugs. So he keeps Niall around. He's admittedly adorable with his blonde tips and blue eyes and milky skin but Zayn would never go there. Nialls too fragile, too broken already and Zayn can't love him right let alone fix him so he keeps his distance. But Niall has convinced himself that the only way he'll ever get over his list of disorders is if he can date Zayn.

Niall is twitchy as usual as he takes his place on the ground in front of Louis who's settled back on the couch. Zayn pulls at some loose threads, picking away at the fading fabric even more while Louis runs his hands through Niall's hair. He's not exactly sure how they figured it out but it calms Niall down so it's become a regular sight. Niall with his head in Louis' lap and Louis absentmindedly massaging through his hair. Zayn's not even sure if they realize they're doing it most of the time but he doesn't question it. He focuses back on the shit program that's glowing off of the tv and taps his fingers on his knee.

Zayn's suspected that whatever is going on between Louis and Niall is more than friendly but it's always quickly dismissed when Louis is pounding him into the mattress or trying to convince him to do the same to Niall. Niall's just sort of like the little brother they all never had and it'd be more than creepy of they were to ever make a move on him so they keep to themselves.

Niall hums happily, practically purring and smiling while leaning into Louis' touch and for a minute Zayn thinks that Louis may be the next thing that Niall pines after. But then Niall opens his eyes, meeting Zayn's stare and blushes furiously and all previous thoughts fly out the window. He gives a tight smile and Niall reddens even more at the attention he's getting from Zayn. Niall's always got red tinge to his cheeks when he's around Zayn, his Irish roots betraying him and giving him away. Louis wiggles his eyebrows suggestively in Zayn's direction at the noises Niall is making and he rolls is eyes before glowering with all his effort because he really doesn't want to deal with this.

It's silent, as it usually is with three of them pre-high. Before Zayn and Louis start sloppily making out, before Niall raids the fridge, interrupting his own self by giggling loudly between bites. It's like the calm before the storm that is their dynamic trifecta and Zayn basks in the little amount of peace before one of the other fuck wits speak up and ruin the moment. It's times like these that the irrational aide of Zayn comes out and he starts to think that maybe everything won't always be shit, that he can check his mother into rehab and get a legal job and maybe find a nice girl or guy and settle down. But then the rational bit of his brain reminds him that he's a lost cause and those kinds of things aren't possible for people like him and the false hope turns into an itching desire for something potent and illegal and numbing.

"We going out tonight?" Louis seems to be coming off his high now and he's asking sensible questions.

Niall shrinks in on himself at the idea of going to a packed club 'it's dangerous' and let's out a little whine. Louis coos at him and pulls him into his lap whispering lied about how it will all be okay, falsely promising a kiss on the cheek from Zayn. Niall is still hesitant as he is every night and its only a matter of getting something in his system before he agrees so Zayn ignores his pleas and asks the real questions.

"You gonna give me a joint? It's past five I know you've got some rolled already, pass it over." Louis scoffs but pulls one from his case nonetheless and lazily passes it Zayn who immediately lights it up.

"Yeah, suppose so. Wouldn't mind getting monumentally wasted." Zayn makes a perfect smoke ring and Niall's eyes shine with adoration at the useless talent.

"Zayn you truly do have a way with words, doesn't he Niall?" Louis eggs on sarcastically and Niall barely manages to stammer out an agreement before Zayn is rolling his eyes.

"Whatever, you tits do whatever you want. I'm going to the underground tonight." Except Zayn doesn't, he never does what he says he's gonna do.

He ends up at some poshy club with some girl hanging on his arm and she really is nice and sexy but Zayn's really only using her for the open bar inside. She must know the bouncer or something because he waves them in immediately despite the horribly long que and he thinks he ought to keep this girls number because she has some really nice connections, and boobs. She's above average that's for damn sure, her cheek bones are rivaling Zayn's and her blonde hair is pulled up fancily but somehow it can't seem to distract from her pretty blue eyes and perfectly sculpted nose. Zayn silently wonders if she's ever had a nose job, probably has if she's in this sort of crowd.

There's one thing Zayn's learned about this certain crowd of posh kids that he's found to be true in every other group of privileged people. They're just as hardcore drug addicts as the hookers at the corner of the street. He starts humming an old Lily Allen tune that his older sister used to blast in her rebellious phase and the line "everyone's at it" has never before been so relatable and accurate. The blonde on his arm must recognize the song because she gives him a knowing smirk and let's out a laugh and Zayn thinks that he is most definitely going to keep her in his sights, he just needs to remember her name first.

It's when he's on his third vodka tonic that he does. It's Perrie and he only remembers because Dont Stop Believing starts playing and he vaguely remembers some reference she made to Steve Perry. It's also on his third vodka tonic that he realizes the music in this club is absolute shit and he feels like he's at some shitty high school prom. He's not sure if he should be more offended or relieved that this Perrie chick isn't all over him, it's just usually by now whoever he was with would be sucking on his neck or whispering promises of something absolutely filthy between the sheets later in the night. She's a wonderful catch its just lately he's found a lot more pleasure in men than women and he doesn't want to make her give him a blow job as some sort of happy medium.

Her pupils aren't even blown wide as she leans into his side and her lips brush his ear and Zayn knew it was coming, the dirty talk, but he's not even slightly aroused nonetheless.

"So, tell me about all these rumors of you being the best resource for a good high around here." He's surprised at that and pauses only shortly before a smirk is covering his face.

"Can't give away any secrets." He says after only a beat and pretends to scan the crowd in front of him.

"Well I'll give you an ultimatum. You give me whatever it is I need to forget all my problems and I'll make sure your name stays on the VIP list and you have unlimited access to the open bar." It's an offer Zayn can even hardly refuse. She's a woman that means business, cut and dry.

"What you're not gonna offer me your body?" Zayn quirks an eyebrow and brings his drink to his lips.

"Your arrogance is far from endearing my lovely. You bring the drugs, I'll bring the alcohol that's all there is to it. You in or do I need to find someone else?" And he's not quite sure why but he really doesn't want this naive girl wandering around looking for another dealer and ending up getting hurt so he agrees and gives her his number and she promises a text and she's gone.

He's left to his own devices now, chasing down vodka tonic with some frilly raspberry drink that he thought he'd try because well, he got drinks for free now and he didn't even have to wait for some creep to buy it for him. He's just gotten to that wonderful fuzzy drunk, and it takes a lot more to get there these day, so he he steps onto the dance floor and chooses a nice impressionable twink to grind against. He knows he'll never take this kind of guy home so it's safe. He'll probably get Zayn off in the bathroom and all will be good.

He lolls his back on the guys shoulder and quickly moves on when he tries to exchange names. He doesn't need names, he just needs a one off and anyone looking for second grate bathroom blowjobs doesn't ask for names. He scans the room making lustful eye contact with practically everyone until his eyes meet a vaguely familiar brown and he freezes. He can't place where he knows the guy but he's definitely fit and definitely reciprocating the confused gaze. It isn't until he starts craving a smoke and heads towards the back exit that recognizes those innocent eyes. The moment his fingertips graze his lighter it's like some vision from the past and he's rushing back to find those eyes again.

He's slightly really drunk and Zayn finds it to be absolutely adorable and he just can't wait to ravage the innocence out of those eyes. He's hanging around a pretentious group of guys with button up shirts and condescending smirks adorning their faces. Zayn wants to slap them all personally but that will probably hinder his chances of getting laid so he clenches his fist and bites his tongue. He's not sure if this guy is gay and quite frankly he doesn't care because he always gets what he wants.

Leeroy -Zayn decides his name is- is smiling a lovely drunken smile that reaches his eyes and makes his whole face scrunch up and it's obvious he can't hold his liquor which is good for Zayn. He's bouncing non committedly to whatever bubble gum pop song is playing in the background and his lips look so shiny even from a distance and Zayn just really wants to know what they taste like, all swollen and coated with whatever fruity drink he's holding. So he perks his shoulders up and strides over to him, attempting to conjure up his most dazzling smile.

"Lee-" Zayn starts but is instantly interrupted by some burly looking twat with shitty highlights in his hair.

"Liam," oh whoops "be a bloke and don't talk to this fuck up would you." And Zayn knows that he has a bit of a reputation in the whole club scene but that was just a dick move.

"Actually my names Zayn and Liam is a good old friend of mine, tell him Li." Zayn pulls the lie out of his ass and thankfully Liam is drunk enough to play along.

"Zayn!" And maybe Liam isn't playing along maybe he didn't hear what Zayn said and is just now recognizing him. "I haven't seen you in like." Liam holds his hand in front of his face and goes cross eyes as he uses his fingers to count.

"Yeah man! I know! Here let me get you a drink." Liam's friend looks absolutely disgusted as Zayn loops their arms and leads him to the bar.

He 'buys' Liam a shirley temple because despite common belief he does have a heart and he doesn't feel like encouraging Liam down the path of alcohol poisoning. Liam takes it gladly and rattles off thank you after thank you. Zayn's not quite sure why but he really just wants to get back to Liam's and fuck his brains out. So he pulls out every charming look and phrase he's ever acquired. Rubbing up and down Liam's bicep and biting his lip and Liam is buying into it with little hesitance.

"Sorry 'bout my mate. He can be an asshole." Liam slurs then visually freezes as the word escapes his lips and a blush creeps up on his cheeks and oh wow Zayn really wants to corrupt this kid.

"Ah, no. Don't worry, just wanted to thank you for earlier." Liam immediately brightens and Zayn revels in his power to control his emotions.

"Really?" Liam's voice starts out high. "I was sure you hated me, shame too 'cause you're really fit." Liam's eyes widen then squint in confusion.

"No.... No I'm just drunk I'm not gay I just-" Liam scrambles for words and shakes his head while Zayn smiles amused at the boy struggling.

"I'm not gay either." Lie. " but if Im honest I wouldn't mind getting you into bed and making you scream my name." Zayn says lowly and punctuates the sentence with a smirk.

"Uh,um. I- Zayn. I have a girlfriend. No wait no I don't she broke up with me cause I don't have my shit together. I've only just turned eighteen I don't know what she's expecting but-" perfect rebound bait, not too clingy, but perfectly willing.

"Let's go back to yours and have a nice chat about it shall we?" And if we fuck we fuck, Zayn thinks. It's practically his motto at this point.

Liam's got a tent in his pants by the time they're at his swanky flat and Zayn has half the mind to get him off in the lift if there wasn't a fucking butler there to press the floor buttons. They're not the only buttons he's pressing as he eyes the two boys disgustedly so Zayn makes a scene of shoving his tongue down Liam's throat, his moaning far louder than the ding indicating they're on Liam's floor and the doors are opening.

Liam's practically panting and Zayn loves this, loves the dominance when he's not even at his own place. Which speaking of, Liam's place is fucking immaculate, there's an entire glass wall on one side and since he has a corner flat there's a balcony on the other. Everything is some sort of stainless steel or snowy white and Zayn's most definitely going to take a nice trophy for this sexual conquering. He's always sure to knick a little something when ever he hooks up with someone, he's got a nice trophy drawer in his room with various things like hair gel, a bracelet, a vintage copy of Catcher In The Rye. He can't even remember who they came from but it's a good way to keep track of the number of sexual partners he's had and the drawer is fuller than he'd like to admit. Some sort of fancy glass dish from Liam's will definitely sit on top of his dresser, not in his cubby of shame.

"Bed." Liam whines and Zayn smiles into there heated kiss, he wants to tease Liam a bit. Make him fully aware that he's about to get off with another guy despite he's claims of being straight.

So he palms Liam through his jeans and presses them onto the glass wall so the world below and the birds in the sky can be scandalized. He's working on a nice big love bite on Liam's collar bone when he hears Liam undoing his own jeans. Zayn grabs his hands and playfully scolds him for being so eager. Then he reaches between them to pull Liam's shirt off so he's completely naked and Zayn is fully clothed and surprisingly, they both seem to get off on it. Liam's struggling to keep up with his mouth so Zayn slows down a bit then with a wicked smile he sinks to his knees.

Liam gasps with a sharp intake of breath and his hands are instantly running through Zayn's hair. And Zayn doesn't do this often but Liam did buy him a lighter so it's only common courtesy. With one last glance up Zayn shoots Liam a smirk and a wink, bats his long lashes, and takes Liam in inch by inch. Liam's big, like really big and there are plenty of other places Zayn would like his dick to be but Liam deserves this, he reminds himself.

Zayn slowly and deliberately bobs his head and debates deep throating for only a second before thinking why the hell not and taking him all the way in. His gag reflex is pretty much non existent by now so it's hardly a problem at all. What is a problem are the breathy little moans Liam is making because they're going straight to Zayn's twitching cock. Zayn's not sure if he's ever been with anyone so vocal but he's pretty damn sure that anyone within a twenty mile radius can hear Liam's continuos loop 'oh god oh fuck, Zayn, Zee, oh shit, please'. Zayn hums his response, keeping his lips wrapped around Liam and bringing his hands up to grip his hips. He's almost positive that Liam's going to break the glass wall with the way he keeps pounding his fist into it but then the noise stops when Zayn does his party trick and laps his tongue around him then presses into his slit.

"Oh god, m'gonna." And with that Zayn gives one last gentle suck and swirl of his tongue and replaces his mouth with a hand over Liam's throbbing shaft.

And Liam really has been a good sport about this so if Zayn's not going to swallow because, no. He'll at least offer the next best thing.

"I'm gonna count to three and then you're gonna cum on my face." Zayn practically growls and he hasn't even started counting before Liam's crying out his name and his spunk is covering Zayn's cheeks and chin.

"Holy fuck." Liam's legs start to wobble so Zayn holds him up and drags him to the nearest bedroom.

Once Liam's sitting up naked in bed he reaches up to Zayn and sloppily kisses him and Zayn's not used to kissing after sex so it takes him a second to kiss back. Then he starts thinking about how hot it is that Liam's kissing away his own cum of off of Zayn and he remembers his aching hard on. Normally he'd suggest a sloppy hand job but Liam is absolutely spent so he wills it away and goes to find something to clean himself off with.

He finds a washcloth in the bathroom and wets it before walking around to take a tour of the flat. Liam's probably fast asleep so now is Zayn's chance to pick his prize and sneak out the door. He goes to throw the washcloth back into the bathroom and double check that Liam is asleep before he knicks the fancy cigarette tray looking thing that probably has some encrusted diamonds or something ridiculous. Except Liam's not asleep, he's sitting up in bed with one knee bent and the other leg stretched out lazily and he has this look on his face that Zayn hasn't seen all night.

"You gonna let me take care of that." Liam nods towards Zayn's bulging pants and he's obviously still drunk enough to keep going so Zayn can't turn that down.

Zayn gives a half hearted laugh before crawling onto the bed and hanging over Liam on all fours.

"Go for it." And that's all Liam needs before he's reaching to pull off Zayn's jacket and almost rip his white tee with the eager force he uses.

Liam's unbuttoning his trousers and Zayn's wondering what exactly Liam intends to do because he's quite clearly had no experience with men. He's letting himself be a little submissive just to see where Liam is going with this, he's kissing Zayn's neck and he doesn't even care that the bruises he's leaving are going to be more than visible. His trousers are thrown somewhere on the other side of the room and the only thing separating their two bodies are his thin black boxer briefs.

Liam slides them down and his confidence seems to be dwindling so Zayn starts talking him up and kissing his collar bone. It seems to do the trick because all of a sudden Liam's rolled them over and has a hand wrapped around Zayn's length. And this is going to hurt like hell if he doesn't speak up. He's not about to get a chaffing from hell because Liam's inexperienced.

"Lube or spit, fuck. Jesus, it's like what you do to your self." Zayn says breathily, Liam blushes and scrambles off the bed, rummaging through drawers and leaving Zayn rock hard on the bed.

He lets out a victory grunt and rushes back to Zayn with a bottle of lube in hand. It's nearly empty and Zayn wonders if Liam has a bit more experience than he's estimated. It's clearly obvious he was right to begin with when Liam hands the bottle over to Zayn with a shy blush on his face, practically begging Zayn to show him.

"Open your hand." Zayn instructs and Liam obeys. He squirts some in his palm and tosses the bottle on the floor. "Now warm it up a bit." Zayn gives an example of the hand motions and Liam abides eagerly.

It occurs to Zayn that this is a lot of effort for a quick one off but Liam's worth it, worth corrupting the straight posh boy. Zayn's thoughts are interrupted when Liam takes charge again, pumping Zayn's cock like he's done it a thousand times before. Zayn takes a sharp breath as Liam thumbs over his slit then pumps again in quick long strokes. Zayn wills himself to not get too vocal because he never really is but then Liam starts to dirty talk about all the other things he'd like to try with Zayn and he doesn't even care that he'll never see the kid again, he lets himself fantasize about all the things Liam's saying. There's a nice sheen of sex sweat between them and Liam's muscles manage to look even hotter when they're glistening. Zayn would kiss a nice love bite into his bicep if he had control over his body right now but all he can do is buck his hips up into Liam's hand.

It's not long before he feels the familiar tightening in his abdomen, like a burning coil wounding tighter and tighter. He gives Liam a half hearted warning before he's cumming all over his stomach and he thinks that that was definitely the best hand job he's ever received which should be quite the crowning experience compared to all of its competition. Zayn's still breathing heavy, just staring at the ceiling before the stars in his eyes start to fade. He barely registers the bed moving and Liam not being there anymore. He furrows his eyebrow for a second before Liam's walking back into the room stark naked with a washcloth in his hand and starts wiping away at Zayn's stomach.

Zayn's not sure exactly if Liam's ever had a one night stand but this is definitely not in the handbook. Neither is the kiss on the forehead he gives Zayn before tossing the washcloth to the side and crawling back in bed. Zayn feels guilty because under normal circumstances he'd be halfway out the front door already, trophy tucked in his jacket and rubbing off the phone number that the clingy ones leave on his hand. Except he can't do that to Liam, he's too naive and it's best to keep it that way. No one deserves to feel as jaded as Zayn. So he fishes his phone out of his jacket pocket that's in a pile on the floor and sets an alarm for the middle of the night. He'll fall asleep with Liam but he won't be there when he wakes up. That's giving too much and Zayn just can't do that.

Zayn's half asleep already anyways, a nice recovery nap will do him good. He freezes a bit when Liam wraps an arm around him and pulls him into his chest because Zayn's never exactly spooned before and he always expected to be the big spoon with his whole dominance thing but nothing's what he expects with Liam. He finds himself pretending that this is all his. The high thread count cotton sheets, the fine art hanging on the walls, the cuddling. That its all his everyday life. He does this sometimes but he never really allows himself to indulge in it like he is now. Then Liam starts lazily rubbing up and down his chest and Zayn can't remember the last time someone chose to treat him this good. He cries himself to sleep knowing that when his alarm goes off in three hours, he'll never feel this again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Usually Zayn would've woken up from a nightmare or his own screaming, if this had been one of those times then he wouldn't be in the situation he's in right now. Tucked under Liam's arm while some man is yelling at them and Liam is yelling back just as harshly. And Zayn really should have known that this wasn't Liam's flat, that it was too swanky and he was too young, but he didn't expect Liam to be the type of guy to bring someone home for a one night stand with his parents in the bedroom over. But as Zayn's ears begin to slowly register the world around him he realizes he was completely wrong, he's always wrong about Liam it seems.

"And my bottle of lube? Jesus Liam! What the hell did you even use it for? No wait, no don't answer that." A deep voice bellows and Zayn wants to dart of the bed and just run away like he should have done hours ago but it's too late now.

"Harry, don't be so daft. Just buy another one." Liam scoffs and Zayn wonders if he's still a bit drunk.

"I don't care about that, it's the principle of you bringing some bird home and shagging her in my bed. When we moved in together you're the last roommate I would've ever expected this from. Now wash the damn sheets and get out for an hour or two because Tony's coming over. With a new bottle of lube." Apparently Harry chides back and Zayn's only slightly affronted that he looks like a woman while covered in a thick white duvet.

Zayn hears the door click and moves to search for his phone so he can break it because the damn alarm doesn't even go off when it's set to. Then he realizes that it hadn't even been three hours yet and he's wondering who the hell gets back at five in the morning to have angry sex with their boyfriend an hour later. Zayn rolls back over to face Liam who's got his thumb and index finger pressed to the corner of his eyes and is breathing deliberately slow and deep.

"So, do you just want me to sneak out, I think he's in the shower." Zayn questions and Liam jumps looking terrified.

"Oh god you were awake to hear that? I'm so sorry, I was just really drunk and-" Liam starts and Zayn's heard it all before, hell, he's given this speech plenty of times before.

"It's okay Liam, I get it. You didn't mean to, you're not really gay, it's fine." Zayn reassures him and tries to ignore the fact that he's feeling a little hurt but he supposes it's better than trying to escape without giving away his number.

"No." Liam shakes his head. " Trust me I wanted... that. It's just I didn't realize we were in my mates room is all." Zayn is really wondering when Liam is going to stop throwing these curve balls because he doesn't know how to handle it, he's only ever stuck to routine.

"Oh." Is all Zayn can articulate from his jumbled thoughts and mixed emotions.

Liam sits up and starts wandering around the room naked, tossing Zayn his clothes and looking for his own. Zayn likes watching him get frustrated because its slightly adorable, but before that thought can really sink in he moves his hips up to slide on his boxers then stands.

"You're clothes are out there." Zayn nods towards the closed door.

Liam blushes, probably remembering the amazing head he got last night and fumbles for the door knob. He comes back in wearing joggers and a wonderfully tight Burberry tee shirt, last nights clothes bundled up in his arms. Zayn's sitting on the edge of Liam's - Harry's- bed fully dressed and wondering why the hell his legs just won't make their way to the front door already. Liam grins at him from the doorway and suddenly he's reminded that he's already in too deep and there's no point in hurting Liam's feelings now by vanishing mysteriously, he's got to man up and give him the Zayn Malik One Off Talk.

"Do you want tea or coffee, I can run down to the bakery and get some scones are something." Zayn's first reaction is to laugh, because does he really look like the kind of guy to sit down to a nice breakfast of tea and scones. But this is Liam so his heart flutters and his chest tightens unfamiliarly.

"Um no thanks, I've actually got to get going. I was supposed to meet up with my mates last night they're probably wondering where the hell I am." Liam looks disappointed and Zayn really thinks he shouldn't because for once he actually told the truth.

"Right, of course." Liam pauses, looking thoughtfully. "Can I- can I give you my number? I think I'm going to need to talk to you about my- um- liking guys."

"Yeah, sure." And this isn't the first time he's been asked that, to deal with complete strangers trying to find a name for their sexuality, but he doesn't even bother to go with his usual 'I don't think that's a good idea'. He agrees because this is Liam and everything with Liam is far from routine.

Zayn tosses Liam his mobile and he shakily types in his number. Zayn would be shaking too, actually he thinks he is as Liam hands his phone back smiles shyly. He knows this is a bad idea and that he's only inevitably going to let Liam down but there's this weird part of himself that just wants to make Liam happy for as long as possible so he goes along with it.

"I'll walk you out, yeah." Zayn nods and gives Liam a warm smile.

Liam places his hand at the small of Zayn's back and he's itching to run away because that's just too nice of gesture for the morning after. Liam guides him down the hall and to the living room where Harry is sitting in only his briefs with a scowl on his face. When Zayn meets eyes with the curly headed guy who was responsible for all of the shouting twenty minutes prior they both freeze. Zayn can't place the thought but he definitely recognizes those green eyes from somewhere. He hasn't slept with him, he doesn't think because he's pretty sure he'd remember running his fingers through that hair and over that milky skin.

Harry's jaw stays slack but Zayn can't pick up any sign of recognition in the kid's eyes so maybe he's just a regular club goer that Zayn's seen around. It's then that he realizes that Liam is looking back and forth between the two with the deepest blush on his face. Harry's gaping mouth twists up into a smirk and he makes a scene of eyeing Zayn up and down with hungry eyes.

"So that's what you needed the lube for then. Alright, good on ya, Liam" Harry wiggles his eyebrows but is quickly distracted when his phone buzzes and he seemingly loses interest. Zayn wants to shake him by the shoulders and yell at him to stop being such a Louis but that's probably not the best first impression he could make.

Liam doesn't say anything back and Zayn gets a feeling that he never does. They make it to the door without Zayn starting a fight with Harry for teasing Liam which was a task in its own. They both lean against the door frame and Liam offers to ride down in the lift with him but there's no chance in hell Zayn is going to let that happen, that would definitely be crossing the line between hook up and date, so would the kiss on the cheek that Liam swoops down to give him. Zayn dodges the kiss with hesitance and offers a shameful smile instead. He's let this thing go too far already, if he stays past sunrise then he's in deep shit and he can already see a few rays peaking over the horizon through the glass wall over Liam's shoulder. Zayn silently thinks he's going to miss the view.

Zayn wants to say a goodbye, a smooth get away phrase. But he can't bring himself to part from Liam's side and he doesn't know why. There's always a quick escape on the tip of the tongue but now, standing in front of this muscled god with the eyes of a puppy dog, he can't bring himself to let go. He doesn't know much about Liam other than he's a completely better person around him, one who doesn't steal or lie, he's a person that gives and hardly takes. He couldn't survive like that though, he'd go insane within a week, so he leaves. Without a word he turns from Liam's hopeful glance and sprints down the stairs, too antsy to wait for the lift. He really needs to get high right now.

The bus can't come fast enough so he walks down the street, vaguely remembering points of the city by having flashbacks of snogging Liam in the taxi and glancing out the window at sky scrapers and bright lights. He needs to stop this now, he never remembers his hook ups, he forces them to the darkest depths of his mind to be properly labeled as 'Mistakes' and forgotten. It's then that he realizes his whole cycle is crashing. Fuckup.Drink.Forget. He can't forget and he's really not sure if he wants to. He's only sure that he needs to get this out of system so he lights up a cigarette and quickens his pace towards Louis'.

Louis' probably asleep so he saves him self the trouble of knocking on the door and sneaks in through the window. The house is dark and hazy as per usual and he can already feel his bones settling at the familiar sight. He takes a deep breath then scrambles up the stairs to get to Louis' stash that's in his bed side table. He takes the entire metal tin of rolled joints and Louis' iPod while he's at it, fingers shaking again at the idea of getting high and listening to music and getting back to being himself.

He plugs Louis' iPod into the stereo and turns it up to the point where his ears start to hurt, Louis' an extremely heavy sleeper compared to Zayn waking up at the drop of a needle. He doesn't bother sitting down knowing that he'll just be bouncing the entire time, he lights up easily, tossing the lighter to the side and throws his head back while inhaling the smooth smoke. This is where he belongs, spinning in slow circles in Louis' living room and half heartedly dancing by himself. The music fills his ears and he feels like he's under water, rocking back and forth with his eyes closed. He doesn't really care about the song playing, it's some indie stuff amidst the punk rock in the playlist, not the stuff Zayn would usually listen to but it's a good distraction nonetheless.

He's on his third joint by the time he's interrupted by a squinty eyed and messy haired Louis. Zayn's mid twirl when he catches Louis standing at the bottom of the stairs with his arms crossed. He's ready to apologize but Louis looks more amused than anything else and he has every right to be at the sight. Zayn's white t-shirt is ripped and he's got the joint balanced lazily in between his fingers and he's humming along to the tune of the music playing in the background. He's absolutely baked and probably has a ridiculous crooked smile on his face because last night is finally starting to get fuzzy.

"I'm not gonna ask and you're gonna replace the spliff, yeah." Louis sighs and gives a little chuckle.

Zayn agrees, hastily nodding and stumbling towards Louis to give him the tightest hug he can offer. Louis is the best, he lets Zayn talk about his problems on his own time and doesn't question it or even think to question it when he walks in on scenes like this. Zayn gives a sloppy kiss to Louis' cheek that's slightly prickly from his five o'clock shadow and starts swaying back and forth slowly because suddenly he really wants to slow dance with Louis and be wrapped in someone's arms. He may be able to forget Liam's name eventually but he'll never forget the way it felt to be held so tenderly.

Louis goes along with it because he's just that amazing and Zayn's not sure if he knows anyone else that wouldn't give two shits about being woken up to find all of their weed gone then forced to slow dance with the person who smoked it. Zayn has half the mind to give Louis a thank you hand job but he's really not feeling it right now so he just cuddles him closer and kisses his temple. Louis must recognize the oddities of Zayn's behavior because instead of pushing him off and teasing like he normally would, he holds Zayn closer and kisses his jaw chastely in return.

"This isn't you confessing your love to me is it?" Louis asks with a laugh, really only half kidding.

Zayn laughs hysterically in return and its the only answer Louis needs. He's just baked, not in love. The world is how Zayn would like it to be when he's this high, everything slowed down and euphoric. He'd be like this all the time if it weren't for the whole illegal thing and even that fails to stop him sometimes, he very much so enjoys the scandalized looks his blood shot eyes get when he goes out in public on a high. Or the scoffs he and Louis receive while walking down the street and laughing loudly one minute then snogging each other filthily the next. Everything is great as long as he's high and he doesn't see a reason why he shouldn't be baked 24/7.

"Good because I was wondering if you could take care of this morning wood." Louis teases and Zayn laughs some more.

Louis wouldn't take advantage of Zayn like that, even though the boy wouldn't give two shits it just wouldn't feel right with only one of them under the influence. So he slow dances Zayn towards the couch and falls onto it, gracefully tugging Zayn down with him. Louis knows Zayn, knows that he only gets this high at an ungodly hour when he's really trying to forget so he lets the broken boy lay on his chest, sputtering out laughs every now and again until he's passed out. Louis lazily runs up and down his back desperately hoping Zayn doesn't wake up in a rage like he normally does after coming off a high in his sleep. He thinks he should probably keep Zayn awake because his nightmares are always over actively terrifying after he's been drinking and smoking but he just looks so tired, a lavender tinge beneath his sunken eyes and body shaking. So Louis lets him sleep, he'll deal with the rage when it gets there.

It doesn't get there, Zayn's dreaming of Liam's eyes and Liam's arms and Liam. It's rivaling the weed with how calming it is. But it's also incredibly frustrating because he just wants to forget but every damn time his eyes shut he gets flashes of the night before which would be great if he were going to see Liam again but he's not. He vaguely thinks he should get home soon so his sisters know he's not dead but Louis' embrace feels nice, not nicer than Liam's, his hands are too small and his grip isn't firm enough. He isn't Liam and Zayn thinks no ones ever going to be Liam. He thinks the same thing as he drinks himself to sleep that night.

Within the next week Zayn thinks he sees Liam a total of six times. Twice at Tesco's, then on the underground, once when when he's taking a walk with Louis, once when he's taking Niall to the doctors to get his next round of behavioral meds, and again later that day at the swanky club that brought back too many memories. He hasn't slept with anyone,not even a handjob from Louis since Liam and his sexual tension is practically palpable. He's meeting Perrie tonight to make a deal and he's not even bothered to go out to do it, he's making her meet him at Louis' place.

She shows up, gives Zayn more than enough money for a few grams and he sends her on her way with barley a second glance. He needs something stronger so he calls Niall to see if he's got any MDMA but he's conveniently caught up in therapy, the pills snug in a little plastic baggy in his pocket. He considers driving to the therapist's office but that would take a lot of effort and Niall would probably get the wrong idea so he calls an old reliable dealer of his and agrees to meet at the park a few blocks away.

He's dressed like usual in his boots and black skinnies but switches his leather jacket for Louis' warm,fur lined denim one before heading down the street. When he gets to the park he thoroughly believes he's really lost it when he sees a familiar mop of curls in the distance. Imaging Liam is one thing but now he's hallucinating the flat mate he saw for five seconds. He nears closer and closer to the figure sitting on the bench and is waiting for him to vanish in mid air but he's staying firmly in his place.

Zayn's not sure if he can deal with this any longer so he pulls out his mobile and dials his dealer to rearrange a place of meeting. He's got his back to Harry but there's no mistaking the buzz of his phone and Zayn doesn't want to turn around, doesn't want to see Harry bring his own mobile to his ear and answer and he doesn't have to, the minute the ringing stops Harry's low voice fills the line and the quiet park. He really wants to run, to convince himself it was all a poorly timed coincidence and that seemingly innocent Liam isn't living with a heroin dealer.

But then it all clicks, the green eyes, the wild hair, the porcelain skin. He didn't recognize him right away because he was always in the shadows, always the young dumb kid trailing behind the group of dealers and trying to get in in on the twisted action. Zayn thinks back to a very clear memory of buying heroin for the first time off of some guy named Nick, and that's why he couldn't remember before. He was trying to place Harry's name to Nick's face when he should've been placing it to the shadow behind him instead. It's so clear now, the timid sixteen year old crossing his arms and trying to seem buff while Zayn went behind his mates' backs to find a more thrilling high that weed couldn't offer.

"Harry." He mutters and spins to find the boy looking equally astonished.

"Knew I recognized those cheekbones from somewhere." Harry digs in his jacket and pulls out a single little plastic bag filled halfway with white powder and hands it to a hesitant Zayn.

Zayn takes it of course, it's pure heroin, none of that black tar shit and he's not about to let that go. He looks around inconspicuously before shoving his hands in the pockets of Louis' jacket and tucking the heroin safely away. He's not sure if he should keep up conversation or pretend he doesn't know what Harry's talking about. His mind is buzzing with the fact that Liam is living with the likes of Harry, he wonders if Liam knows how Harry makes all the money to afford their posh flat. He doesn't want to think about it though, he just wants to get home, do his heroin, and feel the warmth of his high. Everything goes by so fast when he's on heroin and its like he's blanketed with this warmth that no one's body heat could ever offer.

"You gonna need a syringe too or are you smoking it." Harry asks and shoots Zayn a smirk, he must look like such a fool with his mouth gaping.

"Uh, uh no I'm smoking it." Which is a lie, he was going to inject it but he doesn't feel like making another exchange with Harry.

"Okay, well sorry but there's no friends and family discount so..." Zayn shakes his head and bites his tongue to try and level himself out back to reality as he hands Harry the money.

"Liam's been a right mess since you two decided to shag in my bed." Harry deadpans and Zayn's about to make a snarky comment back or defend Liam and note that they didn't even reaaly shag when he hears a familiar voice call his name from the park entrance.

He turns but he doesn't even have to, he knows its Louis he just needs an excuse to look away from Harry. Louis' out on his morning jog and before he can run over to them Zayn shoots Harry a look that he hopes says 'pretty please whatever you do don't mention the heroine.' Louis claps Zayn on the shoulder and starts introducing himself to Harry who has been reduced to a stammering pool of nerves.

"So Zayn, you didn't tell me you were making knew friends." Louis gets out once his breath has steadied and he sees why Harry is losing his air of confidence.

Louis looks like sex, shirtless and nipples hard in the cold English air, a slight sheen of sweat that accentuates his muscles. His normal quiff has fallen and he's got his bangs down like he used to wear them all the time in secondary school. His jogging shorts seem to bring out the curve of his ass even more and show so much leg he's practically naked. Football season has stopped so he's taken to running to stay in shape and its absolutely working.

"Yeah, you aren't the only tosser I hang around."Zayn teases playfully and Louis snorts.

"I truly am offended." Louis chides and Harry's staring at him like he's gonna ravage him then and there in the park and Louis knows it.

"So, Harry will you be tagging along for drinks tonight or?" Louis gives a seemingly innocent flick of his fringe and licks his lips.

"Yeah, me and Zayn were just talking about going to Lights tonight." And Zayn wants to rip Harry's head off, chop it into pieces, and throw it into acid because he knows exactly what he's doing.

"That's that posh club right? Across from the theater." Louis knows exactly where it is, he's just trying to talk to Harry for as long as possible.

"Yeah, that's the one. So I'll see you two there tonight then?" Harry is staring straight at Louis, choosing to ignore Zayn's pissed off look in turn for eye fucking his best mate.

Louis agrees and flirts some more before Harry's on his merry way, probably to make another deal then go home and wank to thought of Louis. Zayn's steaming and he really needs to hit something right now because there's no chance in hell Louis won't drag him along so he can talk to Harry some more. He's going to have to go to the stupid posh club with the stupid free drinks and the stupid lovely Liam. No matter how hard he tries he just can't get forget, even in his dreams those brown eyes haunt him.

"You alright mate?" Louis' deserted his afternoon jog to walk Zayn back home and he really wishes he would just go away.

"Just dandy." Zayn quips and lights up a cigarette.

"Oh my god, you weren't trying to get with him were you? Did you have dibs, did I just cock block you? I'm so sorry." Zayn wants to find Louis' off button and just make him shut up because for once he doesn't have a clue.

"No. He's all yours. Just went for a smoke in the park and we started a friendly conversation." Zayn's really not sure when he started lying to Louis but it sounds believable enough so he just might do it more often.

"Oh, well alright then. So you'll be over tonight so we can go to the poshy club right? We should bring Niall, that environment would probably suit his anxiety." Zayn nods half heartedly in agreement and turns up his drive.

"Zayn." Louis calls from the street and Zayn stops to turn around. "Could I have my jacket, I'm freezing?"

Zayn rolls his eyes and slips Louis jean jacket off and tosses it to the half naked shivering boy with a chuckle. He doesn't realize until he's halfway in the doorway of his room and searching his pockets that he just gave Louis his smack. The type of drug that they all agreed they'd never do because its apparently more dangerous than MDMA and they don't want each other developing any addictions. It's just good clean fun with marijuana and pills, at least for them. For Zayn it's an outlet, a way to forget, an escape. And he just let Louis walk away with that escape without even knowing.

If Zayn weren't itching for it before, he is now and to make it worse, his sisters are home. He's got his music turned up full blast and he's pacing his room like a maniac, just waiting for his phone to buzz or the doorbell to ring and have Louis yell at him and probably beat the shit out of him for being so stupid. He should have just met Niall somewhere but he's got no fucking self control and he couldn't wait twenty minutes. He's so caught up in all the what if's he nearly screams when there's a tiny knock his door he's so startled. He knows who it is, he doesn't have to shout the question. He turns his music down and opens the door pulling his most calm persona.

"Hey Saf. What's up?" He crouches down to her level and he's actually surprisingly gentle in his manner.  
She bites her lip with worry and has this pout on her face that instantly melts away all of Zayn's nervousness. He used to be so close to his siblings but they lost him to drugs and alcohol they day they lost their dad to a poorly timed accident. He'll never forgive himself for not being there for them but its not like he can go back in time and change it so he chooses to forget.

" Waliyha and Donya say you're gone. I don't want you gone, Zayn." She whimpers then chokes out a sob and Zayn really wants to tell his sisters to stop making comments about how he's "so far gone he's almost a lost cause' but firstly he wants to comfort his sister.

"No Saffa, 'course not. I'm right here, okay?" He picks up sister that's brinking the age of too old for babying but seeing as she hasn't really even had a childhood for the past three years, he's going to baby her as much as he can.

He carries Saffa to his bed and tries to ignore the way she looks so privileged to be in Zayn's room. He's never really allowed his sisters in, scared that they might find his stash of alcohol or weed. She's topped crying by the time she's sat on his lap and he's running his fingers through her long dark hair. Zayn thinks she's beautiful, her eyes are a color of their own and her button nose is adorable. He hopes she doesn't grow up to be like him, getting into trouble and never going to college. He even thinks that maybe spending time with his youngest sister is even more relaxing than getting high.

"Promise me that when they start saying those things you'll just plug your ears okay?" She nods solemnly and snuggles closer into Zayn's chest, he takes in a deep breath and for once in his life he thinks he's got a purpose as long as sister needs him there.

"Can you tuck me in and sing?" She asks innocently, knowing the depths of the question. She's asking Zayn to do what their father used to do to them every single night.

He thinks of making up an excuse about how he needs to get going because he really is supposed to be at Louis' in thirty minutes. Then he realizes that this is probably the only thing Saffa's asked of anyone for the last year so he agrees and carries her to her room across the hall and tucks her in bed with a kiss to her forehead. He wants to sing the old Arabic nursery rhyme his father used to sing to him up until he was ten and too much of a big boy to be sung to sleep. Then he realizes that through the haze of the last few years, he can't remember a single line of it, he hardly remembers the tune of it. He's about to cry, because he hasn't thought like this in so long and it's just a reminder of how his dad is slipping away slowly, hardly even a decent memory left.

"Sing me Sunshine." Saffa bounces and takes Zayn's hand in her own and just like that the tears dry up and he's back.

"You are my sunshine my only sunshine." He starts and by the time he's finished a few rounds of the song, she's fast asleep. He places one last kiss to her head and shuts the light off, leaving her door cracked, before he races down the stairs to get to Louis'.

He can't see his sisters right now and he's actually afraid of what Louis' going to say if he's found the heroin. But he figures Louis' an easier feat than his bickering sisters so he rushes out into the cold air of the night and walks the familiar path towards Louis' house. He runs into Niall half way there and he's not a stuttering mess so Zayn doesn't even have to look into his bloodshot eyes to know he's already high. Niall's chatting happily about derby and how sick it would be if pizza started falling out of the sky and Zayn finds that he's actually laughing at the bouncy blonde.

Zayn will never admit to it, not even at gunpoint,but Niall's how Zayn found out he likes boys the same way he likes girls. They've been friends since grade three when Niall was the knew kid with too much nervous energy and Zayn was the quiet one with an extreme infatuation for comic books. They were misfits and it was only a week before they were sitting together at lunch and getting in trouble for giggling during silent time. Fast forward to year nine when Niall got absolutely shit faced for the first time at some frat party Zayn had managed to get them into. Zayn had always known he was different but he could never really place it. Until Niall started doing a drunken strip tease on the coffee table and Zayn got a hard on. They ended up sloppily making out in the bathroom, Niall didn't remember in the morning, Zayn tends to keep it that way forever.

It's not that he's embarrassed by it or that being in a relationship with Niall is that cringey of an idea. It's just that Niall is too nice and he can't hurt him like that after being friends for so long. He has his reasons and they're really not bad ones but Niall just can't process them. Niall throws an arm over Zayn's shoulder and sloppily kisses his cheek and Zayn lets him because Niall's happy right now and he deserves to be. They walk down the street cackling and howling and get to Louis' too soon.

"Wow." Zayn is genuinely surprised at Louis.

He's standing in the doorway suggestively and he obviously wants to impress Harry. He's got his fitted tweed blazer over a provocative tshirt, his skinniest skinny jeans that squeeze every orpheus of his ass and thighs, and he's wearing proper fancy shoes instead of his usual dirty black vans. Zayn really wants to make a comment but Louis is on cloud nine and doesn't look like anything is going to ruin that so he keeps his mouth shut and makes an effort to get his heroin back.

"Do ya think I could borrow that jean jacket again? It goes better with this than my leather one?" Zayn asks gesturing towards his outfit that he knows looks just fine with his leather one but he wants the drugs not the fashion.

Louis must not have found anything because he rushes up the stairs and comes back down with his jacket in tow and passes it to Zayn before they start towards the club. Zayn nonchalantly sticks his hand in the pocket and fingers the plastic baggy before finally taking a deep breath of relief. Niall is busy laughing loudly at something Louis said when they slip into the club without a hassle due to Zayn's newly found VIP status. Louis finds Harry immediately like their eyes are magnets and Niall wanders off to drink his life away. Zayn is frozen, afraid to move and he thinks his skin is growing cold but he can't bring attention to himself, he can't see Liam again so he keeps his gaze on the floor and finds the bar.

He orders a single rum and coke because he can't get wasted and let his guard down. He can't take the chance of loosening up a bit and going to look for Liam because Liam is pure and innocent and he doesn't need someone like Zayn to screw that up. He should have just kept it in his pants and Liam should've listened to his ass face of a friend. He really shouldn't have talked to Zayn, let alone bring him home and give him a hand job. He wants to leave and he knows full well that he could. He could leave and make up an excuse about the party not being wild enough but he's too weak to make his legs move.

Harry and Louis are hitting it off, flirting shamelessly and practically down each others pants in the middle of the dance floor. Niall's singing some old Irish folk song with a group of drunken party goers and every single one of them looks smitten with him. Zayn laughs to himself at the thought and turns his head slightly to find Liam's friend with the horrible highlights, he panics but he can't look away, in fact he's looking even more intently because Liam's no where in sight and Zayn refuses to feel the disappointment that's bubbling in his chest.

"Harry told me he saw you in the park today." He hears a voice to his left and once it registers his head snaps so quickly to the side he's surprised he doesn't get whiplash.

It's Liam, if course it is. It's everything he wants but nothing he can have. Everything he needs but nothing he deserves. Liam is looking right at him and he has a glass of Stella in his hand and smile on his face, it doesn't reach his eyes though.

"Sorry I didn't call." Zayn blurts and he didn't even know he was thinking it. It was true though he is sorry, sorry he's such a low life that he can't even help Liam.

"It's fine." Liam shrugs and Zayn knows its not, knows that Liam needs to talk to him about what the hell is going on with his sexuality.

They've barely been there an hour and he sees Louis tugging Harry out the exit with a lustful smirk and a smile that's too sober to be going home with someone this early. Not a minute later Zayn's phone buzzes with a text from Louis giving him a stern warning to not go back to his. Louis rolls his eyes because only Louis could pull someone so seemingly confident so fast. He's only mad for a minute that he's responsible for Niall now but it's also a good distraction so he doesn't end up losing self control and going back to Liam's.

"Looks like Harry is done with that Tony guy then." Zayn comments when he finds Liam looking towards the exit as well, witnessing the same exact thing from his own point of view.

"He was never really with him, just a good shag whenever he's been lonely for the past year." And Zayn gets it, he's got his own Tony in the form of Louis and he gets it so he doesn't press any further.

Niall stumbles over to the two and wedges between them to throw his arms around them. Something he'd never do to a stranger, even Zayn without that much alcohol in his system. Niall gives a bubbly introduction to Liam and Liam seems more amused than annoyed so Zayn lets Niall talk his ear off. Then when he's done with his drink he turns to Niall and quirks an eyebrow and somewhere along the line of years of friendship that's come to be the universal signing for 'what do you want '

"Pleeeasse take me to Doug's I'm starvin'" Niall slurs in his accent and Zayn thinks its probably a good idea to get him out of a club and into a diner to get some food in his system so he agrees. They've got good donuts too, so that's definitely a deciding factor.

"Alright, just try not to be too drunk on the walk there, you wouldn't last ten minutes in a holding cell if ya got arrested for public indecency." Zayn says with a fake sternness to his voice and Liam laughs beside him.

"Liam!" Niall gets suddenly excited. "Please come with us you're the greatest." And Niall's drunk so everyone's the greatest.

Liam gives a half hearted denial then looks shyly to Zayn for approval. Like he can't just say yes without the god all mighty that is Zayn giving him permission. Zayn smiles warmly and finally Liam agrees. Mostly he just doesn't feel like supporting all of Niall's weight on the walk there but he also wants to spend as much time as possible with Liam before he's gone again. They practically carry Niall out of the club and down the dimly lit street to the twenty four hour diner. It helps that neither he nor Liam are even remotely buzzed but Zayn wishes he was, it'd be so much easier to talk to Liam with a few extra rum and cokes in his system.

They find a booth in the far corner and practically shove Niall into it, Zayn slides in next to him and Liam sits in the opposite side. They all order a coffee and a donut, Niall orders an extra cinnamon bun and a side of fries just because he's drunk and he can and fries always taste better when they're swimming in the ale in his stomach. The food gets there and finally there's silence because Niall's mouth is busy and there seems to be a blanket of relaxation settling over them.

"I'm not trying to avoid you." Zayn speaks up and Liam stops picking apart his pastry to meet Zayn's eyes.

"No, I know. It's just I'm not really sure how one night... how it works, I don't know." And Liam's never done this before, that's quite clear in the fact that he can't even admit aloud that he's had a one night stand.

"Don't worry about it. I just want it to be clear that I'm not trying to be a douche to you I just, I'm not used to actually wanting a second round." Because its two a.m. and Zayn doesn't feel like lying.

Liam blushes deeply and tries to hide it with taking a sip of coffee. Zayn knows he probably shouldn't have been so blunt but Niall's in his own world and Liam deserves honesty so he doesn't care.

"I don't think you're a douchebag. I talked to Harry about it and he doesn't think so either." And Zayn wants to kick himself or squeeze a piece of glass as tightly as he can because Harry wasn't just fucking with him when he said Liam had been a mess.

"Well that's good news." Zayn laughs just to spite himself. "It's just that you're a really genuine guy, Liam and you're other friend was right, I'm a fuckup. I mean you witnessed me about to nick a lighter. I can't even pay for a 99p piece of shit to feed my addiction. And you. You're too nice for your own good." Liam looks a bit let down but it's as gentle as Zayn could've done it so he's not beating himself up too much.

"He wasn't right." Liam shakes his head and meets Zayn's eyes again and his gaze is so sincere and so honest he thinks he could drown in it. "You're not a fuck up, Zayn."

"I am, though. It's not even an opinion it's just fact." Zayn leaves his brutal honesty and openness down to the hour of the night, or morning.

"Well then I guess I'm just wrong." Liam says solemnly.

The words sit heavily in Zayn's mind and its all he can hear, playing on a constant loop in his head until he's finally home and in bed and even then he can hear the faint melody of Liam's voice.Telling him he's not a fuckup. And for the first time Zayn thinks he believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all written on the pages app on my phone so it's a bit difficult to go through and edit. Sorry for any mistakes but expect a lot better updates coming soon!
> 
> Also major huge big terrific massive thank you's to all of you commenting and giving kudos and book marking! :)x


	3. Chapter 3

Zayn wakes to find Waliyha sitting cross legged at the end of his bed and he doesn't even let himself think about how he hasn't had a nightmare since he met Liam. He's thinking about how in the hell Waliyha got into his room when he locked the door and has every key for the lock taped safely to the inside of his dresser. She's mainly just lucky that Zayn is sleeping heavier these days and didn't startle like he normally does, if that were the case she'd probably be dead because no one witnesses Zayn Malik squeal like a girl and lives after it. She's sort of staring at him like she knows something and she probably does, the girl is too smart for her own good and that trait didn't always benefit Zayn when they were younger and mischievous.

"Friend of a friend of mine said they saw a certain Zayn Malik at Lights just last night." She speaks menacingly , finally recognizing his consciousness and tying her long black hair up into a sloppy bun.

"Oh really, funny, 'cause a friend of a cousin of an aunt of a mate of mine said you don't need to be hanging around anyone who knows anyone that goes clubbing at Lights." He retorts voice dripping with biting sarcasm because his little sister has managed to annoy him not even five minutes into the day. " and anyways, is that _really_ news to you? What do you want?"

"Nothing." She shrugs nonchalantly. " It's- y'know I didn't think you did that stuff anymore, thought you just hung out with Louis and smoked pot is all." And Zayn's really confused because when in the hell does Waliyha of all people give a shit about his social life?

"Still don't see your point." He sighs and lays back down because another hour of sleep sounds real nice right about now.

"Just looking out for you is all, you don't have to be such an asshole." Zayn shoots up at that because his sisters aren't allowed to cuss, he's the only one allowed to be a scum bag.

"Watch your mouth, Waliyha. You're not allowed to talk like that." He says sternly and she has the audacity to roll her eyes at him.

"Sorry, right. Forgot you had a monopoly on being a hardass." She's too witty and its too early so Zayn's not even going to further his efforts of controlling her foul mouth. He'll save that for a day that he actually gives a shit.

"Alright, I don't know what angle your playing at but just stop. I'm not sneaking you in to that place, you're barely fourteen. And don't even say a word because that's exactly what you were getting at, don't fake concern that I'm not hanging around Louis like a _good little boy_." Zayn finishes his speech with a fatal glare that has Waliyha pursing her lips unamused and storming out of his room.

This is why he doesn't like his younger sisters knowing much about his life outside of home. They're impressionable and young and naive to the fact that Zayn's not in it for the fun or cool kid points. He's doing all of this because he hates himself for being such a pussy after his father was killed. He didn't step up into the role of being the man of the house, he wasn't anybody's protector or confider. He simply cowered down with his tail between his legs and watched as his mother slowly but surely became an alcoholic, as his his older sister dealt with depression, as his younger sisters tried to make sense of the entire situation but were only left with the conclusion that daddy wasn't there anymore, as his entire fucking family fell apart.

Saffa didn't understand, for the longest time she kept asking when her daddy was coming home, kept making observations that he was taking an awful long time to get back from picking up dinner. Because Zayn's fatass just had to have a Dominoes for his pick that night and his father just had to insist on picking it up on his way home from work and some lowlife son of a bitch just had to run the fucking red light. So that's why Zayn hates himself, he killed his own father.

Zayn doesn't want his sisters disappointing his father like he is, he doesn't want them to develop addictions and hang out with the same two people every day smoking pot and taking pills. He wants them to thrive and prosper and be fruitful and all that shit because they have hope and he's already too far gone no matter what he insists to Saffa. So he lets Doniya tell them all about how he's never going to amount to anything and how he's too promiscuous and too unintelligent to do other wise.

He's had enough of his own mind prison so Zayn thinks its not too early for a nice joint with a side of Louis. He decides he wants to be productive so he's going to practice shot gunning with Louis and he might even try smoking a roach because his damn puffing of smoke rings is getting boring and over used. He thinks for a short second that there will come a day when Louis is nice and grown and has his life sorted out and won't be up to smoking a blunt with him at at any time. But Zayn has today and he's going to seize it.

He stumbles to the bathroom to re style his sleep ridden hair and rid his mouth of disgustingly sour morning breath. Once he's done, taking note that his eyes aren't blood shot and hazy as usual, he gives himself a nice once over in the mirror to make sure everything's in place. Despite not giving a shit about his own well being, Zayn cares graciously for his appearance and why wouldn't he, it's the only thing he's got left. He makes his way back to his room, peeking in Saffa's door to find her animatedly playing with her stuffed toys that probably belonged to Zayn at some point. He makes a mental note to buy her a nice doll for Christmas because he's suddenly had the realization that the child's probably never owned something of her own in her entire life. Everything's a hand me down from her three older siblings.

He makes himself a hearty breakfast of fire and nicotine and ignores every missed call and text on his phone with out an ounce of guilt. It'd be out of routine for Zayn to actually text back any of the pleading and helplessly horny people trying to get Zayn's attention so he stuffs his mobile in his small pocket and paces on the front porch for another minute until his cigarette is more than all the way smoked. He vaguely hears Doniya and Waliyha bickering through the thin walls of his house and its enough motivation to get his ass moving down the street, inviting the cold air into his already burning lungs.

When Zayn gets to Louis' he expects for Harry to be long gone, reduced to the memory of a good fuck, but what he finds is Louis in the kitchen making tea for the curly headed kid stretched out on the couch in the den. He wants to make a snide remark but he's honestly more than confused because Louis doesn't do the morning after, Louis doesn't do sleeping together after _sleeping_ together no matter how drunk or high or tired he is. He just about issues a twenty minute parking rule when it comes to people driving their dicks into him and leaving within five minutes of his orgasm. He doesn't do any sort of domestic, especially making tea for last night's fuck that's sitting in Louis' den like he owns the damn place.

Zayn gives Louis a loaded look and tries to ignore Harry shooting him smirks from across the house. Louis seems like he's in a different world and doesn't even acknowledge Zayn while he stirs milk into his tea until its that perfect orangey color. Zayn stands there with his arms crossed and grunts a bit but even then Louis doesn't turn around so he resorts to throwing a dish towel at his head, Louis squeaks and Zayn mutters a friendly hello. It's kind of impossible to be mad at his mate for being happy.

"His mate Liam's coming to pick him up in a bit then I'm all yours, don't worry Zee."Louis' apparently on a post sex high and he's being more arrogant than usual.

"Oh. W-why is his friend coming couldn't he just walk back, it's not that far." Zayn doesn't even care that he just gave away that he knows that much of Liam and Harry because Louis is so spent and cocky right now that he doesn't even notice.

"He would... _If he could walk_." Louis shoots Zayn an absolutely wicked smirk and trails off innocently with his mugs of tea while Zayn tries not to gag.

And it's not that he's a prude, he's far from it, it's just he hasn't even had a drink of water today let alone breakfast and he's already got images of Harry being fucked hard into a mattress running through his head. Then it occurs to Zayn that mattresses aren't the only places Louis likes to fuck and he visibly shivers while attempting not to touch a single thing in the house without inspecting it for bodily fluids first. His paranoid thoughts are quickly clouded by _Liam. Liam. Liam._ Because what Zayn knows of Harry is that he's a little shit that won't just meet Liam outside, he'll make him come in, or at least now he will because Zayn's here and apparently Harry really loves to see Zayn awkwardly try to exist around Liam.

He's aware he should be a bit alarmed that Louis seems more than interested in a heroin dealer but Liam has been living with the guy completely unscathed so he can't be entirely bad. Just a little lost, a little Zayn. It'd be completely hypocritical as well to call Harry out for it when he only knows about it because he was the one buying drugs from him. And Zayn's a lot of things but he's not a hypocrite. He's not going to tell Louis to cut the ropes because he seems genuinely happy and Zayn's the one going behind his back and doing heroin, Harry's not lying to him like Zayn is.

The door bell rings and pulls him from his second round of self depreciation and Louis' a lazy oaf so he calls at Zayn to answer it. He takes three deep breaths and pauses with his hand on the door knob. He gets this last minute mental idea that Liam's going to think some crazy three some gay orgy went on last night with Zayn answering the door this early in the afternoon but then he remembers the talk they had and how Liam doesn't think he's a fuckup. So with that thought he opens the door, apparently quickly because a wave of air blows past Liam and flicks his hair around like he's a god damn model or something. With his pouty lip and toned muscles and inhumanly nice charm.

Liam looks a little confused as to why Zayn's answering the door but he must not care enough to ask because soon he's smiling this eye crinkling smile and saying how happy he is to see him. Zayn invites him inside, only stuttering over his first few words and he's really glad Louis' not around to hear him because he'd get shit for it for the rest of his life. Liam heads back into the den where Louis and Harry are cuddling up on the couch and Zayn's only slightly affronted because this is supposed to be his time for Louis' cuddles but then Liam does this thing where his eyes literally sparkle at the sight and Zayn forgets his own name.

"Harry, why'd you even call me to get you, you don't look like you're going anywhere anytime soon." Liam sounds solemn for only the first half of the sentence but then he can't seem to mask his happiness.

Liam's right, Harry's all cuddled up on Louis' lap, getting his hair pet and biscuits fed to him and Zayn really is going to barf because that's not even sultry that's just sweet. Liam seems to think the same because he doesn't prod Harry's simple shrug as his only answer. Zayn thinks for a second that Harry's too wrapped up in Louis to play mind games but then he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at him when Liam starts talking to Louis about what a lovely home he has. Zayn would tell him it's okay and he didn't have to lie and the place was just one big stain and stench cloud of weed but he's too busy sneakily flipping Harry off.

And it's not like he doesn't want to talk to Liam, he really enjoys spending time with him. It's just that Zayn is such a stubborn little bitch that the minute someone even insinuates that they want him to do something his immediate reaction is to do the exact opposite. But he can't punish Liam for Harry being a dildo so he excuses the both of them into the living room and leaves Louis and Harry to leave as many trashy love bites on each other as possible. He's really glad that he didn't do heroin like he was debating this morning because that part of Zayn that wants every moment with Liam to last forever is kicking in and he definitely doesn't want his mind to speed through this.

"Sorry, I normally would've dragged him out by the scruff of his neck, he just looked too happy." Liam apologizes and hesitantly sits, perched on the edge of the couch with those same damn prodding eyes like he needs Zayn's _permission_ to get comfortable on Louis' piece of shit sofa.

"No, don't be sorry." Because for some reason Zayn doesn't want Liam to feel bad things. "I get it, Louis looks just as happy."

Liam nods insightfully then another apology spills from his plump lips. "It's not that this happens a lot either, it was kind of just my plan on the way over here, didn't really want to deal with his drunken bull- his drunken self."

"He's perfectly sober." Zayn quirks an eyebrow at that and Liam nods.

"Yeah he's also a liar that didn't feel like admitting he only wanted to spend more time with Louis because his bum is too sore for him to function." Liam chuckles lightly to himself and Zayn wishes he wouldn't bow his head because he really wants to see his shy smile.

"Speaking of, I didn't realize you guys were housemates. Nice surprise having you open the door instead of Harry's ugly mug." Zayn wonders if Liam knows he's pretty much flirting or if its just part of his kind and genuine persona.

In that moment Zayn decides he's going to move in with Louis. One, because there's not one good reason not to and two because he really needs to get the fuck out of his house and stop being such a damn burden to his family. He and Louis have talked about it before, most likely when they were high but Louis' always blatantly honest with a bit of spliff so he knows the offer was real. It just seemed like so much hassle at the time, packing all of his stuff up and on top of that he was the definition of broke. Now he has a bit of money saved up from dealing on the side and all Zayn really needs to pack are his clothes and stashes of booze and weed.

"Yeah, he's a filthy bastard but its nice being on my own." Zayn doesn't lie to Liam, he only omits the truth. Plus it makes Liam laugh so it's nothing bad.

Liam sits there twiddling his thumbs and opening his mouth like he's going to speak before shutting himself up and picking at the thread of the couch. Zayn watches him intently, committing every single lip bite and furrowing eyebrow to memory. Liam's worrying over something, that's obvious but Zayn hasn't a clue what he has to be worried over that involves them. They didn't exactly come to any conclusions last night, but all seemed to be settled before Zayn left the diner with a loudly singing Niall and a haze of wonderful disbelief clouding his mind.

"D-do you... I'm sorry, don't get offended I'm not judgemental at all, I mean I'm the one asking right?" Liam has a blush running from the tips of his ears to his chest and Zayn watches in amusement.

"I don't know, you didn't really ask anything." Zayn shrugs one shoulder and tries to feign that he's not hanging on Liam's every word.

"I want to try weed and a friend of mine said you sell it." Liam decides to be blunt.

Zayn's first reaction is to be coy but he can't because suddenly he's extremely hurt with the realization that Liam's only around for the drugs. All that crap about not being a fuck up was just sweet talk so he could get in with a dealer and Zayn wants to yell at Liam, tell him he's an idiot and if he wants to ' _try weed_ ' then he could just fuck right off and buy it off some year ten kid. But the way Liam is practically shaking, like just by saying the name of a drug police will swarm him and ruin his clean slate of a record, Zayn can't help but be anything less than gentle. Even if he's absolutely positive that his insides look like the ruins of Pompeii right now.

"Who's your friend?" It's honestly his first pressing question because he doesn't need the fact that he deals to be swarming all over town until it reaches the cops, or worse, Waliyha.

"Uh. A girl called Perrie. She was a friend of my ex but we still talk sometimes." Firstly Zayn wants to hit Perrie upside the head and tell her to stop running her big mouth, then he'd like to tell Liam that he doesn't care about his ex or any other story he has to tell, and then he'd like to get completely wasted and forget Liam ever existed.

He doesn't do any of those things although he'd like to do all of the above, instead he opts for civil conversation.

"What makes you want to get into drugs? I mean you've seen me right?" Zayn prods coldly because suddenly making Liam uncomfortable is a lot of fun.

"There's nothing wrong with you, I said you're not a fuck up and I meant it. I'd just like to relax every once in a while and a cuppa at the end of the day just isn't doing the trick." This infuriates Zayn, because Liam can't just say those things so easily and mean them, he's a goddamn liar is what he is, not cute or adorable.

"Y'know what? Fuck off, mate. Cut the flattery shit. If you want a joint or two just take it I really don't care. Don't act like you meant jack shit just so you can get a discount on some damn spliff." Zayn huffs and Liam looks like a puppy that's just been kicked out of its home and into a storm.

"What?! No, I swear it has nothing to do with that, I didn't know it until after we talked, yeah. I just, I think- y'know whatever we had was good and, you're good for me Zayn." It's all so clear now that Zayn doesn't know a thing about Liam.

He was simply misguided by those innocent eyes and that pouty lip because now he's seeing Liam for the first time. A lost little boy who desperately wants to be a groupie. Zayn hates him. Hates his intentions and his underlying innocence, hates that just because they spent a few hours talking he thinks so much of Zayn and has all these ridiculous ideas and expectations. Liam is clueless and stupid and be needs to leave right now.

"Oh sod off. You were a good shag. We had nothing but a few shared hours of feeling horny and desperate. And honestly mate, if you think I'm good for you then you might want to get your head checked." Zayn's yelling now and he doesn't know why.

He really doesn't know why he said those things because he sure as hell didn't mean them. It's all in a desperate attempt to shut everything out because he can't deal. He needs to run, just do what he always does. There is no fight or flight in Zayn, he's all flight and no fight and always has been. He doesn't even have a chance to look at Liam's hurt expression before Louis and Harry are in the room wondering what the hell is going on. Liam explains in full honesty, of fucking course he does, he's Liam. Louis nods calmly, hands him a few rolled joints, and kisses Harry sloppily before he and Liam leave.

Zayn thinks he hears them say goodbye, Liam with an added apology. He thinks he hears Louis asking him what his fucking problem is but he can't hear. It's all white noise and numb limbs and he's trapped. Weed won't help, it'll make him think more, he can't get heroin because the only safe dealer he knows is now Harry, he can't run to Louis' because he's already there, and he can't run home because he's above looking like a mess in front of his sisters. His problems are suddenly so real and it's not just about Liam, or his dad, or what a worthless piece of shit he is. On top of all of that now he can't seem to function and the rooms spinning and its like he's on a bad trip but he hasn't even taken anything. He's thinking that death sounds like a really peaceful option and then everything goes black.

\----

Zayn's senses come to before he actually does. He feels the gentle touch of someone running their fingers through his hair and he hears the muffled sounds of the derby playing on tv. It's all he really needs to know that it's Niall's lap that he's resting on, head pounding for some ungodly reason and he silently hates that he's still alive, apparently you can't just wish death on yourself, only passing out. He grunts a bit to signal Niall that he's awake the boy sits up a little but keeps his hand in Zayn's hair, it's soothing so he doesn't complain. They're in Louis' bed and Zayn really doesn't want to know why or how they got his unconscious body upstairs. He opens his eyes a bit registering Louis sitting on the other side, tapping away at his phone with a hidden smile on his face. Zayn expects the light to hurt his eyes but the room is dark, sans the glow of the tv. He's been out the entire day.

"Oh." Louis notices Zayn staring up at him. "I called Nialler over, figured he's a pro with panic attacks and freakin' out and all that." Niall doesn't seem to be amused and glowers at Louis.

Zayn doesn't respond,only slightly nods his head to where Niall can feel it but can't see it.

"He didn't have a panic attack you twat. If you took some time off from sucking dick and actually decided to learn something you'd know he just fainted, it's called situational fainting. He didn't have a panic attack, his breathing was unsteady and there was a lack of oxygen flow to-" Niall tries to explain his extensive knowledge on anxiety but Louis couldn't really give a shit if he tried, plus Niall just accused him of being the one that's doing the sucking.

"We get it mate, whatever the fuck happened happened. I didn't ask for a doctors report." Louis says intelligently and Zayn swats at him because it takes a real sadist to snap at Niall.

"Thank you, is what he means. Thanks for the help." Zayn adds and Niall doesn't even blush. Zayn likes this Niall, defensive and firm, if he were like this all the time then maybe Zayn would actually take him up on that boyfriend offer.

"Hell, felt nice to take charge, I actually knew what was going on and had control. If anything I should thank you, that was better than drugs." Niall is bashful and it reminds Zayn of Liam. Liam who only wants him for a drug connection.

"Well then you're welcome. Hey, Ni, can you hand me my phone?" Zayn eyes his mobile sitting on Louis' night stand and he can tell its glowing with a text.

Niall nods and reaches out to grab his cell and hands it to him. There's a few texts waiting for him, one from Perrie asking what a good time to stop by tomorrow is, there's one from Doniya telling him to get his ass home and take care of his crying sister, and the one that stands out is from an unknown number. It's Liam, apologizing not once but twice and if Zayn hears the word sorry one more time he will implode, he knows it. The first apology is for getting his number when he first punched his own in that misleading and blissful night and the second is for making it seem like he was only in it for the drugs and that he was out of line to ask in the first place. Liam ignores the last two and responds with a time to Perrie because he's a money hungry bastard and he doesn't want to acknowledge his broken family or the boy who keeps spewing apologies.

"I say, we order some nice greasy pizza, I'll run to the corner store and get some pints and we'll have a nice night in." Zayn wants to yell at Louis for being an asshole but Niall beats him to it, and Zayn has really got to remember to pass out more because this Niall is awesome.

"Zed doesn't eat pizza, you know that you inconsiderate ass hat. Now go get the pints and pick up some Chinese takeout on the way back." Niall shifts up a bit to get some notes from his wallet, all the while shooting Louis a death glare, Louis looks instantly guilty and his eyes widen at the realization.

He doesn't say sorry, Louis never does, and usually that's what makes him an ass but Zayn's incredibly thankful for it because he doesn't feel like imploding right now. Not when pints and Chinese take out are on the way. Niall's hands resume petting Zayn's head, fingers massaging into his scalp and Zayn's humming in contentment.  
His phone buzzes and he groans, he really just wants to be alone, with the exception of Niall because he's being really fucking awesome right now. He doesn't even really have to look to know its another apology from Liam, this one with a bit of bargaining. He says a sorry again for being a twat but offers to take Zayn out to lunch the next day. He's obviously not going to get rid of Liam by ignoring him so he types in a clearly aggravated agreement and tells him to be there sometime after one.

He falls asleep in Niall's lap after a serving of noodles and a Stella. He wants to send Niall a thank you card with chocolates and pints and all things great but he still can't really function. He just watches. Watches as Perrie welcomes her self in and Niall gapes at her blonde locks and glossed lips, watches as she blushes at Niall's every word. Watches as they chat and continues to watch as Harry comes in and starts ravaging Louis. Niall's walking Perrie to the door to say good bye and he's sitting on the couch, staring blankly as Louis gropes Harry and they crash into a wall. Louis didn't even notice him, just pulled Harry upstairs. Zayn was happy he could blend in.

The morning is all fuzzy and numb but as at nears one he begins to feel the tingle of nerves in his arms. He hasn't left his place on the couch, hasn't spoken a word, even when Niall rambled on and on about Perrie's exquisite taste in classic rock. He was glad that Niall was finally moving on, a little sad, but over all he didn't really care. He could only focus on his bouncing leg, knowing any minute he'd be startled by the ring of the doorbell. Niall doesn't seem to notice, he's now trained on the footie match playing on tv and smiling stupidly, thinking of Perrie no doubt. The door bell rings and unsurprisingly Zayn all but yelps as his heart picks up and he bolts from his seat. Niall turns the tv volume down in consideration then quickly turns it back up when the sounds of moaning drift down the stairs. Zayn's going to give Louis shit for it later.

Liam is standing far enough away on the doorstep as some kind of reasoning that he's not being intrusive. Zayn's kind of over being angry, he's really over the whole feelings thing in general so he shuts himself down, not even bothering to moodily slam the door of Liam's pick up truck when he climbs in. He'll just go along with whatever because its easier to let people use him and pretend that their caring is real, reality is too much to handle. Liam smiles genuinely because he's happy and stupid and thinks that by Zayn agreeing to lunch with him that everything is okay. And maybe it is now because Zayn doesn't much feel like fighting, he never has and the last time he tried he ended up blacking out so he's not sure if he wants to try again.

He thinks he'll replace his old mantra of Fuckup.Drink.Forget. with something more relevant like motionswithnoemotion. It's obvious somethings wrong, hell, somethings always wrong but this time the problem doesn't exist on the outside. He is the problem, the wires in his mind finally disconnected and he's stuck floating through life. He's snapped back momentarily when he feels Liam's hand on the small of his back guiding him into the small restaurant. Liam's touch is a lifeline, no matter how badly he needs to cut him off, he's aware of that.

"Thanks for agreeing to come." Liam speaks and it's not the first thing he's said but its the first thing Zayn's processed. He smiles weakly in return.

"Sorry, if I hurt you but-"

"It didn't affect me." Zayn quips because putting up a front is what he does best.

"Right, you just seemed kind of pissed and its understandable I was a twat-" Liam starts and Zayn's suddenly sucked back into his old personality.

"One more god damn apology out of you and I swear I'll fuck you up, mate. Just get on with it, what's with you?" Liam's been a nervous ball of energy even before he fucked up and Zayn is honestly more annoyed than endeared.

"Right." Liam takes a breath and nods. "I just, I feel like I should tell you that I'm bi, and like I've known that for a while but I don't know. You made me question if I ever liked girls to begin with. So I was confused and a little messed up and I needed to talk to you. I know we don't know a damn thing about each other but I'd like to change that." Zayn stares at Liam with a blank face for his entire soliloquy.

"Okay." Zayn responds simply and brings his drink to his lips.

Liam looks around like he's waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out from underneath a table and tell him he's been punked and that Zayn's got more substance than that. He blinks incredulously and a confused smile slowly spreads across his face while Zayn pays him no attention and drums on his knees.

"Okay?" Liam speaks unsurely and Zayn nods."I don't think you get it." Liam adds slowly.

Zayn quirks an eyebrow because after using him for drugs, now Liam's calling him stupid and he's still ridiculously attracted to him.

"I like you, Zayn." Liam is still speaking with the speed of molasses and Zayn would laugh if he were a complete dick but there's only about 70% dick to his personality.

"I like me too." Zayn says incredulously because whatever game Liam's playing is really boring and he's really wishing his chicken tika masala was here already.

Liam huffs defeated and Zayn likes annoying Liam, likes pressing his buttons just to see how far he can get. It's all a patience test. He expects Liam to pull at his hair or kick the ground. He doesn't expect Liam to stand up look at him pointedly and say clear as day "I want you." Zayn smirks because he loves having that affect on people. Liam throws more than enough money down on the table and all but drags Zayn back into his truck, not waiting a minute to pounce on him and kiss him hungrily. He bites Zayn's bottom lip a little too rough but Zayn likes it so he grunts in appreciation which only cause Liam to lift up the middle console, allowing access to the entire row of seats. The windows are steaming and Zayn wonders if Liam planned this because they're parked in the back of the nearly empty parking lot.

"I don't care." Zayn slips up, his thoughts breaking a barrier. Liam hums in response.

"I don't care, if you want some weed go for it. Whatever, I don't care." It's not what he meant. What Zayn meant was 'I don't even care if you're using me, I'll take what I can get just to be with you.'

"S'not about that." Liam shakes his head sincerely and palms Zayn at the same time, they both gasp when Zayn's hips move into the touch.

It's all so fucked up but Zayn can handle fucked up so all is good. Liam's taking control and Zayn's glad because he wouldn't really want to be in the middle of giving a handie and have his mind space out again. Liam's undoing Zayn's trousers and pulling his pants down and Zayn's already sporting a semi so it's nice to leave the confines of his skinny jeans. Liam pumps him a few times, using a mixture of his and Zayn's spit as lube, it's all perfectly hot and filthy. His hands don't leave Zayn as he reaches over to the back of the truck and grabs a sweatshirt to pillow Zayn's head as he lays them down the best he can on the short row of seats.

Liam is somehow more gentle than he was that first night, omitting from any sort of dirty talk, only coaxing Zayn with a little filthy encouragement. Zayn's just about to tip over the edge when Liam scoots his hips up and practically bends himself in half to take Zayn in his mouth, his bum hits the car horn and he laughs, mouth wrapped around Zayn. He's doing all he can to refrain from thrashing around in bliss because Liam has a nice truck and he wouldn't want to ruin it. He opts for grabbing a fistful of Liam's hair, encouraging the boy to take him deeper apparently. Zayn moans and shouts Liam's name breathily, giving a weak warning but Liam only licks at him more and takes Zayn's hand out of his hair and entwines their fingers. Squeezing hard when Zayn comes down Liam's throat with so much force he's surprised Liam isn't choking.

He's panting when Liam lifts off of him, gracefully wiping the corner of his smirking mouth and looking at Zayn with tears of pleasure in his eyes and something like lust but not quite. Zayn throws his fore arm over his eyes and tries to steady his breathing because fuck no ones ever done that, blow him in a car _and_ swallow. And Liam's just sitting there like Zayn did him a favor. He lolls his head back in the seat and barely has the energy to pull his jeans back up but he manages. He was expecting about a million different scenarios of how lunch could go, and getting a blow job in the cab of Liam's truck was certainly not one of them, okay maybe it was but he certainly didn't take Liam for a swallower.

"That was..." Zayn breaths and sits up straight as to maintain some sort of composure.  
"Yeah." Liam airily agrees to nothing and blushes as his voice cracks.

"So was that your plan all along or?" Zayn laughs a bit as Liam blushes even deeper and ducks his head.

"No, just, heat of the moment." Liam stammers out and Zayn teases him good naturedly the entire ride back.

Zayn moves into Louis' the next week and out of his eight day stay there so far he's heard Louis and Harry shagging a total of thirteen times and walked in on Louis balls deep in Harry about four times. It's scary how he's already desensitized to the sight. He spends a lot of time at Liam's, playing FIFA and getting blow jobs the days Niall isn't there but he refuses to acknowledge the love sick puppy look in Liam's eyes. He doesn't like the boy like that, they're just mates who fuck, Liam's his new Louis now that Louis has no leftover stamina. That's what he tells himself at least, he never used to describe Louis' eyes as dreamy or Louis' touch as gentle and anchoring.

The first time Liam gets high Zayn stays sober so he can have a clear head and direct Liam on his breathing and all that. Not because of his whole high and horny complex and the knowledge that he'd fuck Liam without a second thought in his hazy mind. Liam is a standard stoner, just laughs a lot but Zayn lov- likes that because watching Liam's eye crinkling smile and hearing his unguarded giggle should be the eighth wonder of the world. Liam actually does pretty well, only coughing on his first drag in and breathing the smoke out smoothly, it's not the greatest thing to have a natural talent for but he's good at it nonetheless. Zayn only hates himself a little for getting Liam into drugs but its only weed and its technically never killed anyone so the guilt is temporary.

Zayn thinks that maybe he could make this work, as long he keeps dragging Niall along so he's not got the constant urge to jump Liam's bones with nothing to hold him back. He and Liam even plan to go to Lights tonight which is absolutely mental because Zayn's never gone to a club with anyone, he only goes home with people. He doesn't let himself show how excited he is but Liam makes up for it, showing enough excitement for them both. They get dressed together and even go out to eat beforehand. The night is fucking perfect.

He sees Perrie there and greets her kindly with a kiss on her cheek, she's tucked under Niall's arm and he's surprisingly just as nervous and spastic as he usually is, or was before Zayn's fainting episode. Zayn eyes him warily and he smiles shyly, he makes a note to keep an eye on Niall for the night, a note that goes completely forgotten once he's doing body shots off of Liam. He's on his fifth drink, some fatal tasting concoction that the new bar tender decided to conjure up, Zayn's just glad it's free because its fucking disgusting but burns his throat just right. He chugs it hastily and slams his glass back down, the group of people around him are cheering and Liam pulls their embrace closer to kiss him sloppily on the cheek. He's smiling so big and his face is even hurting from it, he wishes he could stop smiling for a second so he didn't look like a freak in front of all these people. His wish comes true and he really wishes it hadn't.

  
His eyes land near the section of seating and he instantly spots Perrie looking helpless, her face pulled into one of terror. Zayn immediately searches for Niall to make sure he's close to comfort her and he finds him. Convulsing on the ground and hyperventilating. Zayn shakes off the claps on his back and grips on his shoulder and tries to get away from the group and get to Niall's side. It's like he's stuck in one of his night terrors where his dad is calling for his help but his feet won't move and when they finally do, everything's in slow motion. He finally gets to Niall's side and sinks to his knees, Perrie's clearing people out of the way but someone rushes past her and grips Niall's hand and runs their fingers through his hair. Zayn's confused because that's not a coincidence some stranger doesn't just do the thing that's calmed Niall down since he was a kid.

Zayn's head snaps up and his eyes widen at the person, still focusing on Niall and yet to acknowledge his presence. Zayn can't even say anything he's feeling too much. Feeling shocked and disappointed and self loathing and hurt and confused. The girls dark hair covers her face as she coos at Niall, slowly pulling him out of his panic and normally Zayn would be taking charge, if anyone knows how to handle a panicking Niall its Zayn. But now he's just wondering why in the hell the night decided to turn on him and be such a bitch. The girl looks up finally and she immediately freezes, hand going slack Niall's grip.

"Waliyha?" Zayn murmurs because its still not real, before he could just pretend it was someone else because he didn't really get a good look and he's completely shit faced and he hallucinates with enough alcohol in him. But now, as she's staring right at him he knows its his sister.

Waliyha darts up and runs for the exit, leaving a broken Niall and a confused Zayn in the dust. Zayn doesn't have a choice but to let her go because now Niall is coming to and Liam is by his side in full concern. He can feel it again, the wires disconnecting themselves and his body going numb, it's some twisted defense mechanism but he goes with it because right now he'd rather be numb than deal with the fact that his fourteen year old sister was out at the most popular club for drug deals in town. Liam seems to sense it and holds Zayn's hand on the cab ride home, doesn't speak when he gives Zayn a bath and tucks Zayn into his bed and kisses his forehead. He just knows, and Zayn thinks its worth admitting he may actually have feelings for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for the lovely comments and all that. Please be kind because school starts tomorrow and I'm gonna need a serious pick me up. :)x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, my inspiration has been drained and this just took forever to translate from thoughts to paper.

It’s been exactly one month and twenty one days since Zayn decided to go to lunch with Liam. And apparently thats long enough for Liam to be able to tell Zayn that he loves him. Zayn freezes at first because Liam just looks so honest and sincere and open that he can’t even move. He only misses a beat, hand stuttering in it’s routine stroke through Liam’s hair as Zayn pets the boy sitting in his lap. They’re at Liam’s, Harry and Louis are out somewhere probably grocery shopping or something domestic and vomit inducing. He’s not quite sure why Liam chose them sitting there together listening to Zayn’s new vinyl (because Liam’s rich ass owns a record player but no records and Zayn was quick to fix that) as the moment to confess his love but he did and now they were both sitting in a dense silence.

 

“I just think this is what love is y’know?” Liam speaks quietly like he might spook Zayn.

 

“Yeah.” Zayn says a little airily because he’s not quite sure what Liam’s referring to and he feels a bit strung out despite being completely sober. “ I love you too, Liam.” 

 

He doesn’t mean it. It just slips out because his only other option is to run and that would ruin absolutely everything so he lies and thinks that one day he might love Liam. He’s never been in love and he didn’t imagine it to feel like this so he’s pretty sure he’s not. He only agrees because he’s an empty shell and he doesn’t really care if he’s hurting himself as long as Liam is content. Liam’s just about the only thing giving his life meaning right now and he’s not stupid enough to screw that up so he says it back and lets Liam make love to him and it hurts to the point where he’s nearly crying but he just bites his shoulder and acts like his pain is pleasure.

 

Zayn hasn’t bottomed in a long while and Liam doesn’t take nearly as much time to open him up as he should because he’s young and stupid and has no experience. Zayn lets him though, because somewhere between the ninth and tenth track on the vinyl he did that thing where he zones out and can’t quite decipher the real and the fake. He knows Liam is being as gentle as he can, pausing to kiss him tenderly, but he also knows he’s already sore and is going to be for a while. He’s honored for one, that someone as amazing as Liam would want to love him and make love to him so he doesn’t speak up. He’s too afraid to ruin things and Liam is oblivious to Zayn’s slight hesitations and lack of response so everything is as okay as it could be. Except for Zayn’s ass as Liam haphazardly pounds into it.

 

Liam gets up to throw away the condom and Zayn wonders when he became so submissive, so willing to just let himself be taken advantage of. And he doesn’t mean Liam in the bedroom, he means everything and everyone. Just the other day he ended up eating at McDonalds for christ sake because that’s what Niall wanted and he felt too tired to fight it. But now it feels like he just can’t speak up, like he’s constantly got hands wrapped around his throat choking off any sound. His confidence has slipped through the cracks and he’s clinging on for dear life so when Liam tucks Zayn under his arm and murmurs an ‘i love you‘ he whispers it back. Not because he means it, but because he’s too afraid to lose the only thing that’s keeping him steady. If Zayn loses Liam that means losing his mind and he’s not ready to admit he has a problem.

 

Maybe Zayn’s just been a  spoiled brat all this time and Liam’s making him a better person who let’s other people get what they want for a change. So he sucks it up and goes with it because the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes what an insensitive bastard he’s always been, Waliyha was right. He is an asshole. The thought snaps a fuse in Zayn, buried rage surfacing because he never did find out why the hell she was at Lights that night but that wasn’t the point. It doesn't matter _why_ she was there, what matters was the fact of her being there in the first place. Zayn’s grip tightens on Liam’s fore arm and he’d get up and run home and scream at Waliyha if it weren’t for his aching arse. Liam winces a bit at Zayn’s clawing but remains in his place.

 

“You alright? I didn’t hurt you did I?” Zayn almost laughs because he’s in so much pain and Liam hasn’t a clue but he lies and dismisses the concern with a sigh and pulls Liam’s arm around him tighter.

 

“M’fine.” Zayn assures when he can practically feel Liam’s hesitant eyes on his back. “Just go to sleep.”

 

Liam obeys and kisses just above the shell of Zayn’s ear before his breath steadies and he’s fucked out and sound asleep. Zayn isn’t quite as lucky, he’s stuck awake, staring out the glass wall of Liam’s bedroom for hours and wondering if his ass is bleeding out until he’s startled by the noise of Harry stumbling in. He reaches out to grab his mobile, careful not stir Liam, and checks the time. It’s four a.m. and he’s got an old text from Louis demanding that he come home right away. Zayn dismisses it, it’s probably just Louis being clingy after Harry left for ‘work’. Thinking of it, the subject begins to crawl itchily under his skin so he slides out of Liam’s arms, moving a pillow into his place, and sneaks out into the open flat to seek out Harry.

 

He finds the dopey looking boy with his head in the fridge, hands digging through the sea of take out containers because Harry doesn’t have time to cook and Liam just doesn’t like to. Zayn crosses his arms over his bare chest and barely refrains from tripping over Liam’s sweat pants that pool around his ankles. The boy who loves him is a giant with legs too long for his own good. Harry startles when he turns around to meet Zayn and dramatically throws his hand over his heart, he really is imprinting on Louis. 

 

“Jesus, Zayn, you scared the shit out of me, man.” Zayns shifts uncomfortably in his stance and tries not to make his area of pain noticeable.

 

“Why are you coming in so late?” Zayn asks, and he doesn’t expect it to sound so stern so he straightens up a little proudly at his confidence.

 

“Um...” Harry is confused rather than defensive towards Zayn’s questioning and slowly puts the container of orange chicken he’s holding back into the fridge, carelessly wiping his hands off on his black jeans.

 

“I was with Louis and then went out to deal a bit?” It comes out like a question because Zayn knows what Harry does and Harry’s confused as to why he has to ask.

 

“Have you told Louis? About the dealing.” Zayn questions some more and Harry presses his tongue to his cheek trying to figure out where exactly Zayn is going with this.

 

“Not straight forward, no, but he’s a smart guy. I’m pretty sure he’s figured me out by now. The whole having two separate phones thing and always having cash on me, and owning a nice flat without a proper work schedule kind of gives it away.” Harry copies Zayn’s stance of folded arms and leans back onto the counter. 

 

“He deserves honesty, Harry.” Zayn isn’t appreciative of Harry being so nonchalant about such a big and dangerous part of his life. The last thing Zayn needs is to lose the only person he truly cares about in some drug deal gone wrong.

 

“You think I don’t know that?” Harry snaps angrily, mood changing at the drop of a dime. “ I would love for him to know every thing about me but if it scares him away I won’t be able to live with myself.”

 

“You're the one in control, you could just-”

 

“No.” Harry quips, steadying his voice.  “I can’t just stop. It’s all I know how to do. Hell, if anyone knows that it should be you. I mean, you’re the one that saw me tag along with Grimshaw since I was a kid. I just wanted to be tough enough to stick up for myself and make money and it worked, it fucking worked. I mean look where you’re standing, Zayn! In the most expensive flat in the city, that’s where.” Harry makes a good point but Louis still deserves the truth so Zayn’s facade of understanding only lasts a short second.

 

“He still needs to know. Louis’ not a judgmental guy, he’ll be fine. You guys will be fine.” Zayn keeps his voice calm, he knows he’s backed Harry into a corner and it was a shitty thing to do but so is lying to your boyfriend, or whatever the hell they are.

 

Harry considers it, pondering warily before his eyebrows pinch together and he looks at Zayn in concern. “Why are you up? I obviously didn’t wake you up,I’ve been a lot louder before and you’ve never woken.”

 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Zayn shrugs and it’s the truth just not the whole of it.

 

“Well I’m gonna go nap for a few hours then I’m going to pick up Louis, promised him a breakfast date. But I can take you home then if you want.” Zayn nods but he knows he won’t last that long. He’d been planning his escape the minute he started talking to Harry, one that didn’t include going back to cuddle with Liam for a few more hours.

 

Harry grabs an orange off the counter and turns to walk back to his room and even though they talked, Zayn’s still not settled. “Harry.” his voice is shaky as he calls down the hallway quietly and Harry looks over his shoulder. 

 

“You alright, Zayn?” Harry’s expression is full of concern that Zayn knows is real because Harry is so earnest and it’s painfully obvious when he’s only faking nice.

 

“Just.” Zayn’s breath hitches because this feels like a goodbye and he has no idea why, or why he would even be so upset if it were. “ Just treat him good, yeah?” 

 

Harry’s face softens and he smiles softly. “ ‘Course, he’s my prince, Zayn. I’m not gonna screw it up. Plus I know you’d probably castrate me if I ever crossed Lou.” 

 

Zayn nods breathlessly because things are so easy for them. Harry’s smile towards Zayn brightens and he sends himself into his room with a goodnight and orders for Zayn to be up in four hours. He’s left to stand alone in the dark hallway, dimly lit by city lights and the faint glow of the moon. All of a sudden it’s like every emotion he’s pent up over the last month comes rushing out of him in the form of tears and rattling shakes. His adoration for Liam, his anger towards his family, his guilt for not talking to Niall as much, his jealousy of how easily Louis has made the transition of party whore to committed man. It’s all there all at once and it’s horrible and suffocating and he was going to leave anyways but now he knows where to go so he rushes into the living room where his and Liam’s clothes are strewn about, pulls on a sweat shirt, and bolts out of the flat. He opts for the elevator when he hears someone behind him and presses the ‘close doors’ button as fast and as many times as possible before they catch him. 

 

He finally breaths once the lift starts to descend and he’s the only one in it and he’s more than thankful that the doorman must be in between shifts. He’s still trying to control his breathing and body shaking when the bell dings and the polished brass doors slide open. Zayn’s pushing through the lobby doors when he hears the door to the stairs bust open and into the wall, taking out a chunk of it. It’s assuring because he knows he wasn’t paranoid before and it’s scary as hell because it’s confirmation that someone is chasing after him. He quickens his pace and can’t slow down once he gets on the street because the usual traffic of people are home sleeping peacefully and he can’t blend in out in the open. Zayn should probably take cover and slip into a coffee shop somewhere because not only is he being followed but now its starting to pour rain and his vision is blurred. 

 

He can’t tell apart his tears from the rain and Zayn doesn’t think he’s ever been so scared. He used to be a fighter but now he’s just running, well walking because he smokes too much to with hold any sort of stamina. He yells for the person to go away at the same time he steps into what he thinks is a shallow puddle but turns out to be a pot hole. He’s stumbling forward and he really doesn’t want to fall because he’s not sure if he’ll be able to pick himself up.

 

“Zayn, its me , its okay.” Liam grasps his arm tightly and catches Zayn before he can collide with the ground.

 

Zayn instead collides into Liam’s chest and he’s still shaking but now its probably just because its freezing and his jumper is completely soaked through.He’s only weak enough to give into Liam’s embrace for a second before he’s pushing him off and wiping at his wet eyes, from the rain not tears of course. Liam looks like a mix of concern and disappointment and hurt and Zayn’s not significant enough to make other people feel things so he’s really not sure why Liam’s bothered. Liam shakes his head with something like pity and disbelief as he tugs Zayn back into him. They stay like that for a while then Liam pulls back a bit to look Zayn in the eyes. And Zayn doesn’t want this , the cheesy kiss in the rain, the crawling back to Liam so he turns his head and ducks away from Liam’s nearing lips.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Zayn mutters and turns to run again. Liam doesn’t chase after him this time and Zayn doesn’t blame him.

 

He doesn’t look back, if he does he’ll see Liam standing there in the middle of the street staring after him with tears in his eyes as the sun starts to rise behind him. And Zayn’s not strong enough to keep running if he sees that. Niall’s house is only about fifteen minutes away but it takes him a miserable hour before he’s finally picking the lock on the gate and sneaking into his backyard. He tip toes to the bungalow and tries to pick that lock as well but it’s Niall and he’s paranoid so theres about three industrial locks to the door, Zayn knocks three times and waits, silently hoping that Niall won’t wake up and he won't have to face his problemds.

 

Niall stays in a bungalow in his aunts backyard because his parents didn’t feel it was safe for Niall to be on his own like a proper adult but constantly being surrounded by parents that yell at each other non stop wasn’t exactly helping his anxiety so his aunt was generous enough to offer him the living space. It’s newly built and the only evidence of it actually being lived in are the posters on Niall’s wall, he’s got every sort of poster plastering his walls from N*Sync to David Beckham to Bob Marley. The kitchen to the place is fully stocked but Niall never cooks so everything else is unused. Zayn’s tried to convince him over and over again to have a party here or at least turn it in to their place of smoking but Niall refuses, he respects his aunt too much and it’s one of the few things Niall will actually argue for so eventually it was dropped. The place still makes for killer movie nights though so its not a complete waste.

 

Zayn’s resting his forehead on the door so he can hear Niall ungracefully approaching and taking a second to look through the peep hole. He also hears the turning of three big ass industrial locks before the door swings open and Niall’s sleepy concious is soon cleared and replaced with buzzing concern for the state Zayn’s in. Zayn doesn’t feel like explaining and it’s like Niall can sense that because even though he’s given Zayn a bath and clothed him and messed with the dryer he’s never used to warm a pair of socks up for him, he hasn’t spoken a word. Zayn’s been silently crying and Niall hasn’t questioned that either which is a testament to their level of understanding and Niall’s self control of his curiosity because Zayn hasn’t cried in front of anyone since his dad passed. 

              

Niall brings him to his room and tucks him in and after about twenty minutes of staring at the ceiling Zayn’s adrenaline begins to fade and the ache in his ass is back. He tries not to flinch when Niall wraps an arm around his waist but fails miserably because he’s so afraid of hurting with any new sort of pain. The gesture is enough to elicit spoken concern from Niall instead of side glances because Zayn is strong, Zayn doesn’t flinch or wince, if he’s in pain he doesn’t show it, and if he feels like someone is attacking he pushes back twice as hard.

 

“Zayn.” Niall’s voice is crackly and soft and Zayn closes his eyes at the comforting and familiar sound.  “I don’t know what the hell is going on. But I do know that you’re the toughest person I’ve ever met and tough people don’t flinch at a cuddle if nothing’s fucked them up before.”

 

Zayn turns his head to look at Niall as his response because explaining himself is the last thing he wants to do right now even if he knew how. Niall presses a kiss to his forehead and slowly repeats his action of cuddling Zayn as if not to spook him.

 

“ I’ve missed you.” Niall changes subjects because he’s a wonderful person that Zayn doesn’t deserve the half of. “I haven’t been as annoying with my nerves, Perrie’s cousin is majoring in psychology so she’s picked up a bit on how to deal with me. Helps me relax in public and all that.” 

 

“ Missed ya’ too, Ni. And you’re not annoying, no matter how anxious you get.” Zayn finds himself comforting Niall, it’s nice to know he’s not the only one who has problems.

 

Niall’s smile widens and he looks at Zayn with pride. “Was afraid I wouldn’t get to hear your voice there for a minute, mate.” 

 

Niall shifts onto his side and pulls Zayn roughly into him, causing a sharp intake of breath and an involuntary spasm of muscles from Zayn. Things go dense in silence and Niall sits up, carefully slowly again. He opens his mouth to speak a few times but can’t seem to articulate a thing. Zayn looks up at him expectantly and slowly shifts trying to avoid the pain. This seems to horrify the words out of Niall and his breath quickens like he’s about to hyperventilate, Zayn offers his hand and Niall takes it with both of his, something that usually helps calm him. 

 

“Liam doesn’t hurt you does he? I mean he seems like a nice guy, or he has the times we met but, god... I should know this stuff, I’ve seen all the signs and ignored ‘em like the idiot I am. How suddenly you can’t leave him, how submissive and timid you are lately, the flinching, how you’ve been so distanced.” Niall spouts off and all Zayn can think is a litany of oh shit because he hadn’t realized he was letting all of that show or that anyone around him noticed.

 

“I’m not in an abusive relationship, alright. Just breathe. I’m fine, man, just chill.” This seems to calm Niall because Zayn sounds enough like his old self.

 

“Then why the hell’dyou show up on my doorstep shaking, in tears, and soaked with rain.” Niall sounds more concerned than frustrated but Zayn’s still defensive so he goes silent, he doesn’t feel like back handing Niall right now, or ever, he’s too cute.

 

Niall shakes his head at Zayn’s silent treatment in disbelief. “I’m really glad you did, Zayn. But, when are you ever one to go running for help which by the looks of it is exactly what you did.”

 

“I was panicking okay? I figured you’d know how to deal with that and you did. I know what’s good for me.” Zayn immediately regrets the last sentence because they both know that’s not true and he only said it because he’s being obviously defensive over what’s bothering him. 

 

“Well,” Niall shrugs at a loss. “Talking about it usually helps but you’re obviously not doing that any time soon so the next best thing is sleep. You must be exhausted.” 

 

Niall’s right. “G’night then.” Zayn snuggles into Niall and closes his eyes hoping that he’ll let him off the hook for the night and he does. “And thanks.” Zayn adds because he’s a prat and it’s his lame way of thanking Niall for everything he’s ever done.

 

The next week passes with Zayn hiding out in the bungalow. It works too because Niall gives him space and when Louis comes around looking for him he lies and says that Zayn’s gone out for a walk or a smoke when really he’s sitting a wall over watching cartoons and doodling on a sketchpad Niall gave him for entertainment during the day. Apparently he’s busy with college and Perrie and Zayn thinks maybe he should go back to school but he hasn’t been in over a month and by now he’s probably either been kicked out or withdrawn by Doniya so he doesn’t worry over that much. Instead he chooses to take time to learn how to cook for Niall as a thank you, the amount of hours he’s spent watching cooking shows is somewhat sickening and he intends on no one ever finding out about how he actually maybe enjoys them, just a little. 

 

He hasn’t spoken to Liam, he ignores every call and text and voice message in his inbox and shuts his phone off when Liam starts texting him through Louis’ phone. Zayn trusts Louis enough, he knows he’d never tell Liam about where he’s staying. He eventually tells Niall that he panicked at how serious he and Liam were getting which was believable and even a bit true. He leaves out the bits about why he sat awkwardly for the first few days of him being there and the general feeling of suffocation that seems to be constant lately. Niall shares his medication and brings Zayn all the best liquor he can find as consolation. So Zayn spends most of the week strung out on strong anti depressants and filled with even stronger Irish whiskey.

 

Zayn’s in his usual state of drunk and calm while watching tv when Niall stumbles in, barely managing to kick off his boots and hold his phone at the same time. Zayn quickly grabs the remote and switches the tv from his cooking show to the news and flips to a page of his tattoo designs instead of the notes he was taking on how to make yellow curry with chicken. He hollers a loud hello to Niall who motions for him to be quiet with wild hand gestures.

 

“No, Louis. That was just the tv. Zayn’s gone out for the night.” Niall looks pointedly at Zayn and locks the front door behind him, adjusting his phone between his cheek and shoulder.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous Lou, would I ever lie to you?” theres a pause and Niall looks frustrated. “What the hell, mate you can’t just-” before he can finish there’s a loud  rapping of knocks at the door and Zayn’s seriously considering climbing out the back window .

 

“ Go. Hide in the bathroom. I’ll get him to leave.” Zayn listens to Niall’s hushed voice and quietly tip toes to the bathroom, he hears Niall’s makeshift security system opening as he locks the door and sits on the floor, the tile is freezing so he moves to the counter.

 

Louis’ loud voice booms through the small house demanding that he see Zayn and that if he really is out he’s going to wait until he gets back so he can drag his ass back home.  Niall timidly defends Zayn’s honor and tells Louis that he should come back another time because Zayn sounded like he was going to be out for a while. Louis laughs in response and Zayn’s heart races at the sound of foot steps growing louder and closer.

 

“Zayn, my darling boy. If you’re going to hide at least don’t do it so shitily. I suggest turning the light off and maybe leaving the door cracked not closed and locked, thats a bit of a suspicious giveaway. So are the shadows moving, I suggest you stay still as well. Wouldn’t last a minute in a horror film, you.” Louis kicks the bathroom door open with ease and Zayn’s sitting on the counter with a smug smirk on his face.

 

“Found me.” He chides, choosing to ignore Louis’ dig at his intelligence and hiding abilities and opts for playing coy with a little help from the alcohol coursing through his veins.

 

“ Cut the shit, you’ve been a right dick ignoring the people that care about you. Do you know how selfish your being? Liam hasn’t left his room unless he needs to piss and he’s been crying all through the fucking night and do you wanna know how I know that? Hm? Because Harry’s been right by his side the entire time like the good friend he is. And where the hell were you? Leaving me to deal with the fact that my boyfriend is a drug dealer on my own and then I come to find that you knew! You fucking knew and I don’t even care that you kept the truth from me, all I wanna know is why the hell you were buying heroin in the first place!” Louis absolutely fuming and Zayn wants to play off of his sly facade again but he can’t, he can’t move.

 

Louis just dropped an arsenal of truth bombs on him in one screaming proclamation of his feelings and it snaps Zayn. Triggers him to go to that place he hates going where the voices in his head magnify and the world around him mutes. Niall pulls Louis away by his collar and Zayn’s not sure if he’s imagining it because Niall has never gotten physical with anybody. Zayn wonders if he’s in reality or if he’s dreamt of this world, he thinks maybe he’s in a coma and this is all just an illusion and he’ll wake up eventually. A coma sounds extremely accurate, because he’s numb and he can’t feel a damn thing, it’s like his emotions are being pumped with morphine. He’s not sad or mad or angry or guilty, he’s just kind of there. Staring blankly with his legs pulled to his chest all tucked up on the bathroom counter.

 

“How ‘bout asking him why? Or what’s wrong or if he’s alright. You’re such an insensitive bastard sometimes, Lou! Something’s obviously not right and just because Harry’s busy and you haven’t had your dick sucked in a few days doesn’t give you the right to be one.” Niall shoves Louis into a wall and Zayn thinks now would be a good time to intervene but he’s also never heard Niall be so quick witted or feisty so he hesitates before sliding off the counter and into the hall.

 

“Oh actin’ like I’m the daft one are we? Are we just pretending that you’re not doing this to get in Zayn’s pants.” Louis needs to learn when to shut up because this only triggers Niall to wind back his arm and ball his fist.

 

Zayn pulls him off Louis and holds Niall before he does something stupid like start a fist fight with him of all people because Louis would fucking end him. Niall mutters to himself to count his breaths and Louis relaxes from his stiffened position. Zayn thinks all is good so he loosens his grip on Niall and looks at Louis with a blank slate of a gaze. Niall calms himself and licks his lips before talking.

 

“I’m over that alright? I’m not some stupid kid pining after him, I’m with Perrie now, or we’re talking or whatever.” Niall offers lamely. “And sorry for hurting you.”

 

“ You didn’t _hurt_ me-”

 

“Accept the damn apology.” Niall snaps and let’s out long breath through his nose.

 

“Fine, fine. I’m sorry too or whatever. That was a low blow.” Louis runs his hand tiredly over his face and his eyes meet Zayn’s.

 

“Can we just talk. Promise I won’t blow up on you again, I just- you fell off the face of the fuckin’ earth, Zayn. I got scared.” Louis softens and doesn’t ask for Zayn’s permission before he steps forward and wraps his arms around his waist, squeezing tight like he’s not really sure he’s there.

 

Zayn shrugs and Louis sees it now, with all the rage out of his system. Sees how Zayn has practically shrunken in on himself, smells the alcohol on his breath, feels his shaking bones. Louis squeezes his eyes tight like he’s trying to wake from a bad dream and Zayn knows the feeling all too well. He should probably plaster a smirk on his face and tell them they’re being ridiculous and that he’s fine but Zayn knows they’ll never believe him and on top of that, somehow seeing Louis is making him miss Liam.

 

Louis leads them over to the couch and Niall is instructed to go to the corner store and buy some beer and snacks for their unspoken plan of a sleep over. Louis doesn’t sit right away, instead stepping out of the room to call Harry and reschedule whatever they had planned.  Zayn didn’t think Harry would actually fess up to Louis after their chat but he suspects that his disappearance has something to do with it and he doesn’t feel guilty what so ever. Louis bounces back into the room and sits on the opposite side of the couch facing Zayn.

 

“ So, how are you two then.” Zayn initiates the conversation, using Harry as a distraction.

 

“Good, great actually. He’s great.” Louis’ eyes are absolutely sparkling and Zayn’s never seen someone actually have hearts shooting out of their eyes before but he thinks this is what it looks like. “He told me about the dealing thing and I asked him why he waited to tell me and he told me all of the things you said to him. We have an honesty policy thing.” Louis explains. “Don’t get mad at him for telling me about you buying it, we just don’t lie to each other.

 

Louis refuses to say heroin or any form of the word, and it’s a giveaway that he really isn’t comfortable with what Harry does. But Zayn saves that conversation for another day. “I’m sorry, it was just that one time, a few times when I was younger but I don’t do it for fun Louis, only when I really need to.” It’s only a bit of a lie, he’s done heroin and taken pills strong enough to kill a horse plenty of times within the last few months but things are still tense and it doesn’t really matter anyways so he keeps his mouth shut.  

 

“Okay.” Louis sighs in agreement. “I’d be a bit of hypocrite if I got mad at you for that I mean you were there for the Great Gay Drinking Binge of 2009 and didn’t get upset with me.” Zayn smiles sadly at the memories of Louis trying to drink away his homosexuality and them having a great fuck, probably the best of Zayn’s life after Louis finally accepted that he very much so preferred cock. 

 

“ Now that that’s settled can you explain to me why Liam’s trying to get Harry to hook him up when the kid can hardly handle a fruity cocktail.” Zayn’s so focused on trying not to think of Liam being a light weight as endearing that he’s barely pissed about Louis bringing the subject up.

 

“ We had sex.” Zayn blurts and his heart starts pounding immediately because sex isn’t a big deal for Zayn and he’s going to have to explain this with a presentation for Louis to understand.

 

“Um... Congratulations.” Louis is confused to all hell and it shows as his statement comes out slowly like a question.

Zayn's never really considered it as rape but he didn’t exactly want to have sex but he also did nothing to stop Liam. He isn’t quite sure how to classify it but in the literal sense, it was sex so that’s all he’s able to muster up. 

 

“It’s just, we’re getting serious and it actually meant something, I got freaked out s’all.” He’s spinning his web lies and so far everything is falling into place, the story makes sense and he’s kept it consistent.

 

“ Well if you’re not ready to be in a relationship, you need to tell him. It’s not fair for him for the feelings to be one sided.” And who knew that under all that ass and sass Louis could actually offer good advice.

 

“Have you and Harry you know-” Zayn can’t say the words out loud, saying it out loud makes it true and the truth is scary, terrifying even.

 

“ You know we’ve slept together Zayn, I mean christ he’s loud enough.” Louis offers shamelessly and Zayn blushes a bit because he definitely didn’t need to be reminded of Harry’s noisy tendencies in bed.

 

“Not that, wanker. I mean like have you said- are you in love with him?” Louis looks incredulous, like he never even thought it a possibility before.

 

“I mean, I’ve never felt like this before but I don’t know. He said he loved me the other day but he was drunk off his arse so I really don’t know.” Louis shrugs like it’s no big deal, like this thing that people spend their entire lives searching for has showed up on a silver platter and he’s not bothered at all.

 

“How is it so easy for you?” Zayn shakes his head because it’s not fair, he and Louis are  practically the same person it shouldn’t be this hard.

 

“It’s not really. I mean Harry and I just click and we get on so well it’s amazing and he’s really nice and I wouldn’t be surprised if I find out that he’s walked straight out  of a romance film but it still feels weird sometimes, having to rely on someone else.” Louis shifts and lays his head on Zayn’s lap.

 

“Liam said he loves me.” Zayn blurts because Louis is giving him solutions to problems that he doesn’t have and its getting a bit frustrating. 

 

“Oh.”

 

“I said it back, I don’t know if I do though.”

 

“ _Oh._ ” 

 

Louis looks up at Zayn with concern, like he’s expecting him to explode or erupt into a fit of anger but he’s surprisingly calm, expressionless and breath slow.

“Maybe tell him you need some space, figure things out yeah. I mean this is obviously fucking you up, mate. Even your hair smells like whiskey and I’m assuming you haven’t left here in a week.” Zayn pushes Louis off his lap because how stupid can he be, telling him to break up with the only light in his life.

 

“He makes me happy! How fucking dare you? I’m perfectly fine alright. I don’t need your shit and I don’t need Niall coddling me.” He knows it’s a terrible mood swing, the alcohol getting the best of him and frantically covering up his feelings with eager excuses.

 

“ It was just a suggestion. You can calm right the fuck down. Maybe you two were just meant to be friends I mean, hell, ever since you started actually dating you’ve been a fucking basket case.” Louis rubs his hand over his chest where Zayn pushed a little too hard and he looks more hurt rather than accusing and Zayn feels just a little bad.

 

“I’m not crazy.” Zayn murmurs repeatedly, it’s the only thing he picked up. _Fucking basket case._

 

“What?” Louis leans his head in closer trying to find out if he's hearing right, because he wasn’t really expecting that reaction but then again nothings what he expects with Zayn these days.

 

“I’m not crazy. Okay? I’m not crazy. I just,- I’m not.” Zayn stammers and Louis looks at his panicking figure cautiously. “I just need to clear my head go to a club yeah? Yeah I need to go out.”

 

“What the he-” Before Louis can even finish his sentence Zayn is running out of the door , stuttering his steps so he can put his shoes on.

 

He runs and feels safe finally, it’s dark out, his phone is left at Niall’s, he’s blending in. No one can get to him like this, not even the voices in his head can reach him. Zayn makes sure to turn a few corners before he stops at a dimly lit bus stop. He pants and leans back onto the make shift shelter and smiles to himself. Actually smiles. It’s not wicked or masochistic or even a smirk. It’s a genuine happy smile because he’s going to get on the next bus, go to Lights, get himself a few free drinks, make out with a few easy strangers, and be himself. Not some depressed kid settling down with his boyfriend.

 

He’s only been at the club for five minutes and he’s already got some fruity drink in his hand that he didn’t even have to order, the bartender just gave it to him, the napkin has somebody’s name and number on it but he ignores it. He doesn’t want numbers tonight let alone names. Tonight he is blending in, drunk and anonymous and not in love. Zayn thinks briefly that this is just how it’s meant to be, he’ll live the rest of his short days out in pubs and clubs and no one will ever have any sort of power over him. He’ll be free forever. 

 

Two snogging sessions, three grinding partners, five drinks, and an hour later Zayn forgets his own name. He’s laughing and dancing and recklessly kissing and he’s happy, or he thinks he is, he’s not really sure but he feels good so he doesn’t question it much. He doesn’t question the fit boy stalking toward him and squeezing his ass either. He doesn’t know who the gorgeous guy is with short brown hair and light brown eyes or maybe they’re dark green he doesn’t take time to make sure, and he’s a bit lanky but he makes it work. He reminds Zayn a bit of the one person he’s trying to forget. The guy smirks and Zayn surges forward in a suddenly desperate kiss, pushing his tongue into the other boys mouth without warning and receiving an appreciative moan in return.

 

Zayn likes this guy, he doesn’t give a fuck about small talk or names, he just gets right to it, head dipping down to Zayn’s neck, biting and sucking with amazing intensity. Zayn tilts his head and gives better access, closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling of lips to skin and reaching out to stick his hand up the guys shirt and brush the pads of his fingers slowly over his stomach, desperate for skin on skin contact. They pull apart and both are breathing heavy, catching their breath before going in for another round. Zayn passes his drink off to whoever will take it because he needs to touch this guy everywhere. He starts with clawing at his back then feeling the curve of his ass before palming him through his tight jeans.

 

“Mine or yours?” The guy gasps at that and Zayn wasn’t exactly planning on going home with anyone but a blow job wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.

 

“Yours.” Zayn murmurs between kisses because he’s not exactly sure he even has a mine right now with Louis and his friendship in a weird place.

 

They hail a cab and clamber inside, lips attached the entire ride in sloppy wet kisses and hands delving a bit too deep into each other’s clothes. He doesn’t even know the guys name and that turns him on more than anything. He’s painfully hard by the time they’re there and he can’t get up to the guys flat quick enough. It isn’t until he’s in the lift, being eyed by the doorman in pure disgust and a smidge of disappointment that he recognizes his surroundings. He stiffens under his one night stand and the guy looks up at him carefully, breaking his concentration from working on another love bite. This guy must have a tattoo fetish because he can’t keep his mouth off of the things.

 

Zayn glances at the buttons to see which one is lit up and of fucking course “Shit.” he hisses.

 

The familiar ding fills his ears and he’s pulled hastily from lift as soon as the doors slide open. He’s pressed into a door as the guy fiddles with his key and the lock and Zayn stills because suddenly his conscience makes an appearance and the idea of fucking this guy with Liam a few flats over seems so wrong.

 

“You good?” The guy asks in what seems like genuine concern. 

 

“Y-yeah. Its just-.”  Zayn doesn’t know what to say and he wishes he’d just kept his mouth shut because the guy steps back and gives Zayn some space.

 

“Look, if you’re not okay with this, it’s fine. Don’t feel like you have to. I can call you a taxi and have a wank.” Zayn laughs a bit at the last part because he’s suddenly so relieved. 

 

“I can find my way home it’s okay. Um, thanks...” Zayn steps away sheepishly and he really wants to be off of this floor, Liam or Harry or Louis could appear at any minute and his feeling of safety is fading.

 

“Greg.” The guy smiles. “And will I be seeing you around...”

 

“Zayn, and I don’t think so, I’m kind of a mystery actually.” Zayn flirts because he can do light hearted, he’s good at shameless flirting. 

 

“ Well then a mystery you shall be, now go on, disappear into the night and leave me hanging on your words.” Greg smiles at him and its completely friendly and different from the guy in the club that practically gave him a handie in the taxi.

 

Zayn wills away his hard on and wants to tell Greg he's an amazing person beacause he's been in this situation before, when he didn't quite feel up to fooling around once he got back to some blokes house but they convinced him to give himself up to them anways. Instead Zayn sends him one last smile that he can’t wipe off his face even when he’s in the lobby. He chooses to ignore fates fucked up way of brining him back to Liam and focus on the fact that he can pull without even speaking. Tonight’s been good, he decides as he bounces down the street, growing further and further from the dangers of being discovered. He rounds the corner and is going to take his usual shortcut through the back alley when he hears voices coming from the dimly lit street. 

He can hear pub goers laughing loudly in the distance and he shoves his hands into his pockets. He’s debating on whether or not he should go into the bar and top off his buzz when he sees it. The two figures pressed against each other, snogging heatedly in a blanket of shadows. Zayn thinks he imagines those familiar biceps holding up the girl and pressing her into the wall, but Zayn knows those arms better than he knows himself. He stops in his tracks and just stands there a minute with his mouth slightly agape at the surprising scene. Then the blur of figures shifts and he sees those eyes he’s always gotten so lost in, the deep brown that’s always pulled him back to shore when he’s drifted out too far. 

“Liam.” Zayn whimpers. _It can’t be_.

 

“Zayn! It’s not what it looks like.” _Oh but it fucking is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its unedited and a grammatical train wreck but i just wanted to give you guys another chapter :) thanks for reading/comments/kudos :)x


	5. Chapter 5

Zayn doesn’t want to think about it, he can’t. He’s already lost so much of his sanity thinking about Liam but now he has the image of him pressing some girl against a brick wall and sucking bruises onto her neck searing in the back of his eyelids. And it’d be alright if she looked like a slag but she was nothing shy of gorgeous, tanned skin and hair blown out. Not to mention the dress she was wearing looked like it costed more than Zayn’s entire wardrobe. So it was completely logical reasoning to run into the bar instead of run home. He needed to get wasted, show Liam he didn’t care and maybe even tell him about his fit neighbor. 

 

Yeah, sure, Zayn admittedly made out with more than a few guys but only because in the back of his mind he thought they resembled Liam and the thought was clearly real because every man he lip locked doted the same deep brown puppy dog eyes, plump lips, and perfectly styled chestnut brown hair. But there Liam is, hands practically up the girls dress and there is no way in hell he chose her because she resembled Zayn, the two don’t even belong to the same gender. Zayn knows Liam follows him in and he knows he’s about to push away the only person he wants close but he can’t stop himself, He’s on autopilot and he’s heading straight for disaster.

 

“Zayn, please, talk to me.” Liam begs and Zayn’s face stays stony as he demands a pint from the lanky guy tending bar.

 

Liam looks absoluetly desperate and Zayn would almost be willing to give in if it weren’t for the smudges of red lipstick all over his face. Zayn’s life is a joke and he’s not laughing. His uncontrollable emotions aren’t helping either. One minute he wants to giggle and hold hands with Liam and the next he’s so scared he pushes him away. Zayn knows he should shrug Liam off, knows the way to get him to leave forever is act like its no big deal, but Zayn isn’t ready to completely lose him so he goes for the silent treatment. He downs the beer handed to him and Liam hastily shoves the money over to pay for it while Zayn considers taking up a pact of silence.

 

“Zayn...” Liam’s tone changes from pleading to horrified and before he can question it Liam’s eyes dart to his neck. “It’s been a week, they’re not mine are they?” 

 

Zayn’s hand instinctly flies up to his neck and rubs over the places he remembers strangers sucking love bites into. When he meets eyes with Liam again he’s shaking his head in deisbelief and looks close to tears and Zayn wants to tell him to toughen up, stop wearing his heart on his sleeve but he stays silent; not because of his pact but because Liam should be himself not who Zayn tells him to be. 

 

The bar is practically empty, only a few alcoholics draped over in booths are their company and that sickens Zayn more. The fact that Liam stayed talking to the girl for hours aftert the party rush, no doubt. It wasn’t heat of the moment, he had intentions of taking her out to the side and feeling her up and that fucking hurts. It hurts because even though he’s sure Liam doesn’t know what love is, he thought he was in love and proceeded to cross Zayn like this anyways. It’s cold hard assurance that Liam doesn’t really love him and the thought was so relieving at one point but now it suffocates him.

 

“ Zayn, please. Say something .” Liam pleads and Zayn turns on the bar stool to order a new drink, glass already dry but Liam catches the bar tender first. “He’s too drunk, if you don’t cut him off I’ll tell a manager.”

 

Zayn makes sure to role his eyes at Liam’s elementary threat before blowing up in his face. “If I want to get wasted, that’s my own damn decision now fuck off.” Zayn hisses and Liam looks a mixture of happy that Zayn’s talking and hurt that Zaynis saying the things he is.

 

“You’re right.” Liam says softly and Zayn gives him a wicked smirk.

 

“ ‘Course I’m fucking right.” 

 

The thing is, Zay _wants_ Liam, he really does, but at the moment he’s realising he _needs_ Liam and that changes everything. It’s no longer in his hands to control and contort into whatever he pleases, and that’s terrifying. Everything about Liam is terrifying and mabye that’s why Zayn can’t just cut him off. Liam is more liberating than any drug and scarier than any horror film Louis’ forced Zayn to watch.

 

Suddenly Liam’s had enough, he grabs Zayn by the wrist and quite literally drags him out of the bar but no one’s sober enough to notice the scene or kind enough to stop it. Zayn tries to shake off his grip but Liam is so fucking fit in more ways than one and his huge biceps aren’t letting up. Zayn levels his head, it doesn’t turn him on, no, it pisses him off. He’s sure to shoot a nasty glare every time Liam glances back at him and Liam is glancing back at him a hell of a lot. They round a corner and Liam slows down a bit as to not raise the suspicion of the group they’re passing, Zayn uses this opportunity to yank his arm away and finally release himslef from Liam’s grip.

 

Liam stares at Zayn like he’s a wild animal that’s been spooked and the comparison really isn’t too far off. Zayn eyes him back just as carefully and Liam throws his hands in the air and shakes his head in defeat.

 

“I’m sorry, alright? I’m so sorry for being so fucking stupid. And I hate myself for it enough, I can’t handle you hating me on top of that.” Liam’s voice wavers like he’s close to tears and he better not fuckin cry, Zayn wouldn’t know how to comfort him.

 

“I don’t hate you.” Zayn murmurs and shifts on his feet like it physically exhausts him to show his feelings.

 

Liam breaks his staring match with the ground and meets Zayn’s eyes.

 

“I know we took this kind of quickly,” Zayn visibly flinches at the use of the plural pronoun. “If you weren’t ready to say it back then you didn’t have to, I would’ve understood. I understand.”

Zayn doens’t need the clarification of what _it_ is. He also doesn’t need clarification on the fact that Liam understands, his face says it all. It’s funny, well, actually its madening how  safe Zayn feels when he’s deciding to go back to Liam and then when he gets there its like he’s drowning again. But the idea of Liam’s arms wrapped around his waist, Liam’s breath hot on his neck, Liam’s tongue caressing the roof of his mouth momentarily blinds Zayn from anything but the positive.

 

It clicks for Zayn and the only signifigance he can relate to it is a car driving by with blaring lights shining in his eyes. He’s always been looking into the dark abyss but now it’s like it’s finally looking back and Zayn all but refrains from clutching his hand to his chest to steady himself. Liam’s not the problem, things are moving fast, sure, but it’s honestly not why he’s so on edge. He’s on edge because he’s the problem, he’ll break Liam’s heart right in two, not even, he’ll shatter it beyond repair if he keeps going on with this. He’s not doing Liam a favor by sticking around like he thought he was when he wanted to spare Liam’s feelings. He’s doing the exact opposite.

 

“I... I can’t do this to you.” Zayn murmurs and looks anywhere but Liam’s eyes. “I’m no good for you. I’ll break your heart.” 

 

“You don’t know that, babe.” Liam softens and _oh_ they’re using terms of endearment now. “ and if it’s any reassurance, I’m just as capable of breaking yours.” it shouldn’t be reassurance but somehow it is. 

 

Zayn looks up from his feet to meet Liam’s eyes and finds that they’re only about an inch away. He takes a pre-emptive little gasp before they both go crashing into each other. Lips meeting fiercly in a desperate kiss, Zayn forgot how nice it is just to touch Liam, feel the curve of his back as his hand slides up his shirt, the stubble on his jaw as he cups Liam’s face. For a second Zayn thinks he was crazy for leaving Liam, then he remembers that he only ever left because Liam made him crazy. 

 

Liam pulls back slightly causing their lips to ghost over each others, brushing slightly when Liam noses into Zayn’s cheek. It’s an odd gesture but it seems to embody how gentle he’s willing to be, how much he cares, how much he can’t believe Zayn hasn’t gone running in the other direction. Zayn can see his heated breath come out in little clouds into the cold night air. He can see, like an out of body experience, his and Liam’s bodies pressed together under the dim street light. 

 

“I missed you.” Liam’s voice is low and husky, like he’s got gravel in his throat.

 

“I’m sorry.” If Zayn were logical he’d finsish that sentence, he’d say ‘ _I’m sorry but we should probably give each other some space, sort our selves out.’_ it’d be healthy even but he just can’t bring himself to suggest it.

 

“No, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for, I’m the one who messed this up. I shouldn’t have been so reckless, and god... I’m so sorry I hurt you, sex is supposed to be good and I fucked it up.” Zayn freezes because he hasn’t told a soul, hadn’t shown any discomfort and Liam just knows somehow.

 

“Sorry, we can have this conversation somewhere else.” Liam adds quickly but still doesn’t pull away, even brings his thumb up to brush over Zayn’s bottom lip like he’s about to kiss him again but his mouth remains a few centimeters away.

 

Liam’s trying so hard to accomadate Zayn, taking him back to his and Louis’ to talk instead of going back to Liam and Harry’s. He even asks Zayn if he’d like Louis to be there and when he responds with a no Liam texts Harry to whisk Louis away for a bit so they can have the place to themselves. Just to talk, Liam assures him.

 

Louis is gone by the time they get back, note left on the counter saying his phone is dead but he’ll charge it as soon as he gets to Harry’s and being the sardonic bastard he is, leaves the 999 number ‘in case of emergency’. Zayn crumples the note and tosses it towards the general direction of the bin, taking his time and stalling because even thinking about having this talk with Liam makes his stomach twist in knots.

 

Liam steps into the kitchen and gives a shy smile before nodding his head towards the lounge and oh god they’re really doing this. Zayn catches himself wondering if Niall is in the bungalow in case he has to make a run for it, then he realizes that he’s in his own god damn house and if this turns sour then he can kick Liam’s ass out or call the cops. Louis wasn’t actually too far off leaving the emergency number but Zayn will never admit it. Instead he holds his head high and follows Liam onto the couch, he’s got this, he’s got it all under control.

 

Liam stirs nervously and catches Zayn’s eyes with his own and turns away quickly. After repeating this about five times Zayn sighs more exasperated than annoyed but apparently Liam takes it as his cue to finally speak up.

 

“I dont take it back... what I said.” Liam spits out nervously and wrings his hands together “I just think I said it too fast and maybe we should rewind a bit. So um...” another nervous pause. “Would you um maybe want to try and be like a proper couple?”

 

“Liam-” Zayn interjects with a sympathetic tone because he doesn’t do the whole relationship thing, the closest thing he’s ever had to a boyfriend was Louis and that disaster speaks for its self. But still, Zayn doesn’t want to let Liam down.

 

“We don’t have to be like boyfriends or anything, I mean just start fresh, let me take you on like dates and stuff. Get to know each other proper.” Liam is obviously word vomitting, dancing around subjects that he thinks will trigger Zayn.

 

“I don’t know...” Zayn is fuming on the inside because Liam said he loved him and even if Zayn doesn’t believe it he can still be pissed that Liam is now saying he doesn’t even know him.

 

Liam’s expression darkens, the usaul bright look on his face replaced with a sadness Zayn’s never seen in him before “Maybe I read this whole thing wrong.” Liam shakes his head in disbelief. “I thought we had something, y’know but it’s obviously one sided.” He finishes bitterly.

 

“Don’t make me feel like shit because I don’t want you.” Wait, what, yes Zayn very much so wants Liam but apparently his mouth has different plans. “Sorry your little fantasy of helping the fucked up boy isn’t working out but don’t be so fucking thick, mate. I don’t do relationships or whatever the hell you want, I’m fucking incapable.”

 

“Who _are_ you?” Liam’s gaze on Zayn is intense, scanning over his body looking for a fault, something to give away that its not really Zayn in front of him.

 

Zayn tightens his jaw, there’s nothing left for him to fuck up, he’s had it all and he’s lost it all and Liam is simply another notch on his belt, thats all he was ever meant to be. Ignoring Liam Zayn pushes past him to open the front door and motion outwards, Zayn has control, Liam has to leave, breathe in, breath out.

 

“I’m not leaving you.” Liam shrugs indignantly oh, now he chooses to be a hard ass okay, two can play at that game.

 

“I didn’t say you had a fuckin’ choice, now go.” Liam laughs harshly and reaches his gigantic figure above Zayn’s slim one to slam the door shut.

 

“What? Or else you’ll call the cops, that will go over well, the entire street practically reeks of weed because of this house.” Liam smirks and fuck him for choosing this personality now, fuck him for showing Zayn his soft side and trying to act all tough because it’s hot as hell.

 

“It’s a bit of spliff, even if I was dramatic enough to involve the police the worst they could do is hold me over night.” Zayn speaks condescendingly, he really wants to piss Liam off, get him angry enough to run away and never come back.

 

“You’re not just pushing me away, I let you run ‘cause I thought you needed space, I thought I was doing what was good for you. But not now Zayn, I’m not letting you.” Liam hovers over Zayn and its sexy, so fucking sexy but Zayn’s stronger than that, he’s got enough will power to match Liam’s biceps.

 

“It’s not your choice to make.” Zayns voice comes out substantially weaker than intended, breaking half way through his words.

 

“It shouldn’t be a choice at all.” Liam says softly and strokes Zayn’s neck, exactly where he knows he has a scattering of love bites from some stranger. “C’mon, let me take you up to bed. You’re exhausted.” Another one of Zayn’s walls tumble down at the gesture, he can’t be mean to Liam, he can’t treat him how he would some desperate fuck, Liam means so much more than that.

Liam waits for Zayn to physically fall into himself before hugging him tightly, breathing in the scent a familiarity. Zayn doesn’t squeeze back nearly as hard, he would if he could but he’s weak and tired and Liam’s holding on tight enough for the two of them combined, Zayn doesn’t have to worry about drifting, he’s got his anchor. 

 

“Have you even bathed since I let you out of my sites?” Liam’s eyes are full of fondness despite his satiric voice and Zayn can’t help but let a smile pull at the corners of his lips.

 

“ I’m afraid I’ve actually forgotten how to have a shower.” Zayn quirks and pulls back a little to look up at Liam through his lashes. “Can you teach me?”

 

Liam smiles widely in return and reaches for Zayn’s waist to get a firm grip and throw him over his shoulder. Zayn wants to make a comment on how barbaric it is or how he’s only forgotten how to bathe not walk but his chest is filled with a welcomed warmth that squelches all of his words. They stumble up the stairs, Zayn safely on the ground but with Liam wrapped around him from behind. They make it to the fifth step before Zayn stops and presses Liam to the wall, kissing him chastly before smiling and swaying back up the stairs in his arms again. 

 

He knows its bad, unhealthy even, how their relationship goes from zero to sixty with so few words but he’ll take what he can get at this point. Somewhere near the forefront of Zayn’s mind there are alarms going off screaming at him to not let it happen but he ignores them and let’s Liam go down on him in the shower. He can hardly be blamed for how fast he gets so hard, ealier sexual tension never gegtting the chance to be released combined with Liam’s slippery shining abs. He comes with a throaty moan and maybe its only a little bit of an accident when he pulls Liam’s short hair a bit forcefully. He doesn’t even have to get Liam off because the boy is managing to stroke himself rough and quick and hold Zayn’s wobbly figure up at the same time. 

 

It’s sloppy and it’s a bit uncomfortably wet but they both get an orgasm out of it so there isn’t much complaining to do. Especially when Liam is wrapping Zayn in a towel and carrying him off to his room like a goddamn princess. They dont even bother with boxers, just climb into Zayn’s unmade bed and lay side by side staring at the ceiling because Zayn’s made it quite clear he’s not comfortable with cuddling.Still, Liam is rubbing his fingers lightly against Zayn’s arms, his touch raising goosebumps from Zayn’s olive skin. 

 

“I know I don’t have much room to talk but I really want to fucking kill who ever left those love bites on you.” Liam breaks the silence and ha! He’d be a bonified serial killer if he did that, innocent boy he is thinking only one person is responsible for the bruise that is Zayn’s neck.

 

“It’s just you and me now right?” Liam asks substantially less confiednt, almost whispering.

 

“Just you and me.” Zayn repeats and he’s not sure why, maybe it felt right or maybe he’s just in a blissful state from getting head in the shower cause its been long enough but either way he doesn’t mean it like he should.

 

It’s enough to convince Liam though, he moves in closer with an arm around Zayns waist, thumb rubbing circles where Zayn can place the heart tattoo on his hip. It’s enough to lull him to sleep, silence the buzzing in his head and maybe that’s why he can’t let him go. 

 

When Zayn wakes it’s to an empty bed. It doesn’t phase him at first, he’s used to waking up alone but then he picks up a scent of Bleu de Chanel and something utterly boyish and _oh._ Liam. It was a far stretch really, thinking Liam would still want him come morning time but still, he had been a tiny bit hopeful considering Liam hadn’t brought up any of Zayn’s promiscuity in depth. He’ not angry at Liam, he’d leave himself too if he could.

 

He takes a defeated sigh and swings his legs off the bed to stand and tugs a loose pair of joggers over his hips. He really fucking hopes Louis managed to make it back last night because he’s feeling that kind of lonely where it’s like a mix of a bad trip and a hangover and he could really use Louis’ quick wit to cheer him up. He stumbles through the hall way and down towards Louis’ room where the lights are off but the door is cracked so that’s a good sign. He slips in the room silently and squints his eyes in the dark and thank god theres only one Louis sized lump under the covers because it’s just now occuring to him that he could have yet again walked in on LouisandHarry morning sex or the remnants of last nights sex but there’s no sign of Harry.

 

Zayn slips under the covers and pulls Louis’ back into his stomach and uses his shoulder as a head rest. Louis stirs a bit then settles back into Zayn’s embrace, sighing in his sleep.

 

“Where’s that little shithead of yours?” Zayn noses into Louis’ back to wake him up fully and Louis groans in response.

 

“He’s not a shit head thank you very much, and he’s out putting food on the table.” Okay then, still not calling it a drug deal.

 

Zayn sneaks his hand up to search for Louis’ because he’s oddly close to crying for no reason at all and really needs a hand to hold. He almost does let a tear escape him when Louis flinches his hand away and tucks it into his chest because when the hell have they ever not cuddled with full committment?

 

“What, I don’t even get a hand to hold, c’mon I’m heart broken and all that.” Zayn teases half heartedly, best way to tell the truth is through a joke, Louis taught him that well enough.

 

“Um...” Louis’ lack of witty or even defensive comment is enough to worry Zayn, eyebrows pinched and moving away just a tiny bit so their bodies aren’t quite touching.

 

“What?” Zayn says with more than enough conviction in his voice to startle an army. 

 

“Nothing... nothing. Just it’s not what you think it is.” Louis says vaguely then takes Zayn’s hand in his own and oh. _Oh._

 

Zayn’s been through a lot of unexpected things in his life, including the death of a parent but even that can hardly rival the cool metal he feels wrapped around Louis’ fourth finger. His hand stills, like the cold touch literally froze him and rightfully so because,

 

“What the hell, Louis?” Zayn says in deisbelief.

 

“Zayn?” He hears his name being called from the hallway and footsteps growing nearer as Louis sits up and tucks his left hand under his thigh. “Oh there you are, I got breakfast!” Liam walks over and waves a brown paper bag in the air.

 

“Is everything all right? You look...blank.” Liam bends over a bit to get a better look at Zayn’ face, kissing his forehead and Zayn’s thankful for Louis’ thick drapes casting the room in a shadow because he’s definitely blushing.

 

Louis snorts from beside Zayn. “Ha, your boy’s real eloquent, Zee.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, your _fiance_ isnt any better.” Zayn snaps and Liam dramaticaly drops the bag of bakery goods in shock.

 

“Now see what happens when you don’t give me time to expain.” Louis gestures to the spilled cakes and gives a disaproving look to the two of them. “First of all, it’s not an engagement ring so you can calm right the fuck down. It’s a.... promise ring I guess if you really want to put a title on things, I’m apparently the possesive type and I want _people_ to know exactly who he’s with so they don’t try anything funny.” People, right, the way Louis emphasises the word is enough to let Zayn know it’s the people Harry’s dealing with that need to know he’s taken.

 

“Fair enough, but someone who was gonna cheat anyways isn’t gonna look at his ring and change their minds.” Liam and his logic, ha, has he never met Louis?!

 

“Oh shut it, kid and you better have swallowed last night, I dont need anyone’s spunk clogging up my drain.” Zayn gives a smug smirk and winks at Liam which only makes him turn an even more wonderful shade of red. And to think this innocent boy would leave him in the night.

 

Zayn reluctantly rolls out of Louis’ comfortable bed and drapes himself over Liam, making the task of picking up the paper bag containing sweet smelling buns harder than necessary but he doesn’t complain. Zayn thinks about making a comment to Louis about how they will most definitely be talking about this later but who  is he to judge, if he wants to go using promise rings only months into a relationship with a heroin dealer that’s his call. Zayn can’t stop him from getting hurt but he’ll be there to help if he ever does get hurt.

 

Liam tries to coax Zayn into going downstais for breakfast as to not make crumbs in bed but quite frankly he couldn’t give a shit and if it’s that bad he can just sleep at Liam’s tonight. They get situated under a few blankets and only then when his breakfast is spread across his lap does Zayn realise he’s left the remote a whole five feet away on the dresser. He curses under his breath then smiles sweetly at Liam.

 

“Could you be a doll and turn the telly on?” Liam takes a deep breath and Zayn wants to stop him right there becuase he knows that sigh.

 

“Actually, love, I was thinking maybe we could talk.” fucking predictable “I’m still not okay about how I hurt you and I’m not comfortable with it any more, like me on top. Maybe next time you could. If there’s going to be a next time, I mean we don’t even have to I just thought in case-” Zayn cuts him off by shoving an iced bun into his mouth, muffling the last few words of his sentence and getting sticky sweet icing all over his chin.

 

“When we get there we get there yeah? It’s this part that makes me nervous, the talking.  I didn’t freak out because of anything you did, well I mean you did make my arse sore but I freaked out ‘cause it’s just what I do, it’s got nothing to do with you.”

 Liam is frowning intently at the duvet in his lap, bottom lip sticking out like a child.

 

“Maybe next time give me a warning and I can give you some space without you running away and scaring us all, especially me though, you really scared me.” If Zayn’s heart melts at that he’ll never admit. But dear god is Liam endearingly honest.

 

“I’ll try.” The words feel foreign in Zayn’s mouth and absolutely alien to his mind. 

 

Zayn hasn’t actively tried to do anything but get high since he was thirteen and got caught up with the older kids at school who deemed him a natural bad boy. And Zayn certainly hasn’t admitted to trying or made a damn promise to try since he was in year six and his grades slipped a bit when he got too caught up in his comic books and his mother was more than disapointed.

 

“I know, and I know this is hard for you but I’m here for you and I guess proud of you... and... one more thing.” what more could Liam want, he’s practically tired Zayn out again with all this talk. “Go to see a film with me?” Zayn smirks, he really can’t help with how timid Liam seems at asking something so juvenille.

 

“Only if we snog the whole time and you buy me candy.” Zayn’s only half teasing and Liam’s smile is so genuinely bright Zayn thinks it might damage his retinas.

 

 

 

They work. For a week. Then the bubble pops and reality strikes. It happens on a day that’s no different from all the other’s and thats what gets Zayn’s palms itching the most. How easily his life has fallen into domestic routine. It only takes seven mornings of waking up next to Liam, or perhaps under Liam, the avid spooner he is. The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason Zayn should feel this way, Liam tries his best to keep things different and exciting, even offers to get Zayn off in his truck again whenever they go out. He knows, in the back of his mind, that Liam is only trying to tire out his stamina so he doesn’t have the energy to go out or the drive to do drugs but he gives in every time. They end up not so dignifiedly exchanging blow jobs in many a public toilets and it is thrilling, the idea of getting caught but the vanity of it wears off pretty fast when Zayn realises he couldn’t really give a shit if they were to get caught.

 

So here he is, only lasting a week and already sneaking out again. Sneaking out, is’t that rich. He doesnlt even live with his mother anymore and he still has to worry about not getting caught going to the underground and taking a few pills. He finds, thankfully, that he still has it in him and manages to slide out from Liam’s arms and make it out of the house with his breath being the most noise he makes. 

 

The underground is just as disgusting and smelly and putrid as he remembers. He loves it. Zayn spots his old group of ‘friends’ immediately and right away they prove why he even gave them that label, they don’t ask where he’s been, don’t question the love bite on his neck or the tired look in his eyes, they simply smirk and hand over a few white tablets. They are definitely living up to their reigning title of ‘friends’. They’re giving him exactly what he needs to get this out of his system and in a few hours he can go crawl back into bed with Liam and act like it never happened.

 

Zayn keeps the night PG enough, dancing filthily but refraining from any actual intimate touches. The drugs feel good enough, make the lights shine almost blindingly brighter and the bass a whole lot louder. His mind is swimming and here, in this moment, he feels like his life isn’t that out of control. When he can sneak off when he wants to and feel the magnified thrill of a hundred sweaty bodies and burning liquor. Heaven, Zayn thinks, can’t possibly beat this. 

 

A few people buy him drinks and there’s a typical fight started over who gets to take him home and even through the over stimulised haze of whatever the hell it was he took, he still manages to refrain from making any sexual advances on anyone. Or letting anyone make them on him for that matter. Because he’s Zayn Fucking Malik and some amatuers that think buying the pretty boy a drink will get them a blow job have another thing coming if they think Zayn is that pretty boy. Uh-uh. He’s perfectly fine dancing on his own, it’s just a flare of anxiety he’s feeling, not a longing towards Liam, He is perfectly fine. On. His. Own.

 

Before the sun even thinks about rising, he loses it. The music is coursing through his veins and the lights are so pretty and the water his mate is forcing him to drink tastes like wine. He hasn’t taken ecstasy, as he finds out it was, in a while and he’s reminded why its called fucking ecstasy. And although the high is great, his dehydration is not because he has to stop spinning in circles on the dance floor to get a bottle of water poured down his throat. Its Alex who’s helping him, of course it is. He always seemed to see through Zayn, like he could sense his madness coming before Zayn even felt a little off. Total boyfriend material if it weren’t for the whole being straight thing, oh and he has a criminal record that, compiled, is about as long as a damn novel but Zayn can look past those sorts of things.

 

Alex gives him a knowing smile, or maybe it’s just his normal smile but to Zayn it always feels like he knows something. Its then, looking up into Alex’s familiar brown eyes that he realises he’s looking up. It takes him a minute to assess the situation and he finds that he’s been dragged to the side and is laying down with his head in his mates lap and maybe thats why the lights are so bright, he’s been looking straight up into them. For a while Zayn let’s himself believe that he's sixteen again and it’s not a hard thing to do, after staying away form this scene for so long it feels new again.

 

“Glad to have you back.” Alex bends down to speak into Zayn’s ear and presses a chaste kiss to his forehead before sitting up straight again.

 

“Gl-te-ck” Zayn attempts something along the lines of ‘Glad to be back.’ but his mouth is so dry and his throat is clicking and Alex just laughs fondly before pouring some more water down Zayn’s throat.

 

Yeah, he’s glad to be back.

 

There was a time when this world got a little out of his hands. Zany was attending some bonfire in the secluded woods and was strung out on LSD before he even got there and started to down drinks so when one of his mates got a little bold and showed him his gun, Zayn simply widened his eyes in fascination and laughed manically as they fired shots up into the empty night. His mate was arrested and charged with man slaughter two days later and that was enough to wake Zayn’s senses up a bit and pull him away from that group, but now he’s wondering why he ever left something that made him feel so alive.

 

He was more thrilled than scared at the fact it could’ve been him that was acidentally murdered and the thought was absolutely morbid and sick but it made him feel alive. And going back out tonight didn’t exactly revive that feeling to it’s full extent but Zayn knows he can get there. He’ll sneak out again, be a bit more reckless and a lot more careless and he’ll get there. He’ll reach his own personal nirvana of terrified and excited and he’ll fucking feel something igniting and it will be gret.

 

He’ll take the memory of seeing a gun for the first time and getting wasted and high and running from the cops to the grave. Maybe he’s a maniac or maybe he’s just a dare devil but the adrenaline is like a high no drug could offer.  Not even Louis knows about this part of his life, and although he has a sneaking suspicion that Harry might, it still feels like his own alternate universe so he doesn’t mind. He simply knocks back a shot to last him the trek home and makes plans to reunite properly with his old mates the following night.

 

He’s still a little high when he gets back, his blown out pupils give him away, but he’s doing this slow blinking and lazy grin thing he does when he’s almost all the way down so he doesn’t wait to stumble up the stairs and strip off again before crawling back into bed. He even makes sure to throw his cothes down in the same exact spots they were at before, master mind technique and all that. Liam is completely soundless, oblivious to  everything Zayn managed to do after ten o’clock when they had gone to bed, or Liam had at least. The thought sits mischeviously in his gut and the once distanced feeling is welcomed with open arms and a filthy smirk that he hides from no one in his pillow. 

 

“Babe.” Liam croaks from beside him and he feels a hand searching for his body.

 

“Shh, go back to sleep.” Zayn kisses Liam’s lips and snuggles into his warm chest, running a hand through his messy hair.

 

“Zayn, y’alright?” Liam somehow manages to sound concerned even when he’s half asleep.

 

“No,” Zayn answers truthfully and before Liam can blink his worried heart awake he continues. “I’m great, Li. I’m really fucking great.”

 

Zayn falls asleep smiling.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait. unedited but figured i should post before i lose motivation.
> 
> enjoy! comment, critique, or just chat, thanks for reading:)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This medicore (poorly edited) chapter is dedicated to the magnificent George (tumblr: evilcouture) , without whom, this story would probably go unfinished. Be sure to leave your opinion in the comments and all that jazz and have fantastic day! :) x

By some work of satan, Liam manages to talk Zayn into going to visit his sisters. And Zayn knows he should, he knows he needs to resolve some issues because the last time he saw his fourteen year old sister was at an over eighteens club. He doesn’t tell Liam as much, just lies when asked why he’s in a funk and says he feels guilty for leaving Safaa, which isn't really a lie at all but its not why he’d been moping around. He’d really just been feeling the after affects of the drugs he’d taken the night before but the lie was much prettier. It always is.

 

So he finds himself, anxiously biting the skin around his thumb nail while Liam waits in his truck with the windows rolled down. He’s looking over his shoulder to get one last look at Liam and commit his face to memory before he’s dragged to the depths of hell, the kitchen for a talk, same thing. It’s then when the door opens, Waliyha’s face blank then eyes widening in panic for a second then she’s attempting to slam the door shut again.

 

Zayn quickly sticks the steel toe of his boot in the door way and calls out for Doniya who comes barreling down the stairs demanding what the hell is wrong like it’s automatically Zayn who’s in the fault and, surprisingly, this time its not. Well, he’s certainly done plenty wrong but it’s not the matter at hand right now.

 

Zayn smirks and walks confidently into the house, slinging an arm around Waliyha’s dainty shoulder and he contemplates not telling Doniya. Thinks that if he were in his little sister’s position he’d want his older sibling to not tell anyone and let him get away with it. He had the privilege of never having anyone in his business to ruin his fun and maybe that’s why he is the way he is now, so it’s an easy decision to stop his little sister before she continues down his path.

 

“I think we need to have a little discussion on where this little tike runs off to when the sun goes down.” Waliyha curls her lip up and sneers at him, shrugging his arm off her shoulder like it burns her.

 

Doniya crosses her arms defensively, like Zayn is some stranger about to tell her how to raise her sister. And he doesn’t know how either so he’s not about to boss anyone around, he’ll let her take care of that part. He only wants to rat his lil’ sis out, tell Saffaa he loves her, then be on his merry way, have Liam blow him, and then relax during a nice night in. Alex is on “holiday” apparently so that means his source of drugs is on “holiday” which means that there’s no point in going out so he’s decided to indulge Liam and get all domestic for a few hours.

 

He must have the most ridiculous grin on his face because his sisters eye him up and down warily and Waliyha mutters an almost inaudible “are you high.” And it’s a shame really, that they don’t even recognize him when he’s happy.

 

“No actually, I’m not. Were you high when you snuck out to Lights the other night?” Zayn inquires with a knowing look and Waliyha decidedly shuts up after that.

 

“What are you on about, Zayn? I haven’t got time for this. I’m in the middle of fixing lunch for Saffaa.” As if to prove a point a timer goes off in the kitchen,Waliyha takes this as her opportunity to make a bolt for the stairs and Zayn lets her act guilty because it’s only helping to prove his case.

 

Zayn follows a flustered Doniya into the kitchen and leans against the counter with his arms folded across his chest while she stirs a pot of something delicious smelling on the stove.

 

“I just waned to let you know that I saw Waliyha at an over eighteens club a few weeks back, Niall had a bit of an episode and when I went to help him Walihya was already there. Looked like a proper slag, shiny short dress and a stone of make up on but I suppose she had to look old enough to get in so.” Zayn’s hardly finished the sentence before he hears a loud smack then quickly and painfully registers it as the sound of his older sisters hand making impact with his cheek.

 

“That. Was for calling your sister a slag.” she says with a furious glint in her eyes then dives forward, Zayn almost flinches away but before he can, he’s enveloped in a hug. “And this. Is for finally telling me.”

 

“Um.” Zayn stalls awkwardly because the last time he remembers hugging his sister was even before their father’s passing. “Thanks? Shouldn’t you be like upset with her or something.”

 

Doniya shakes her head and scrunches up her nose a bit “Nah, I caught her the night of when she tried to sneak back in by climbing the terrace and she’s been strictly grounded since. She told me everything, she’s a good girl, Zayn. I was just wondering if you were going to be a good big brother.” Doniya pulls away from the hug and kisses his cheek before turning back to her cooking.

 

Zayn should feel proud or relieved or something along the lines of accomplished but he can’t help but feel completely useless. He was stupid enough to think his little sister might need his guidance but she’s smart enough to guide herself. Waliyha has morals and feels guilt and Zayn’s just a pit of failure. He briefly wonders if he’s psychopathic but then he remembers that one time when Niall had a full blown panic attack in front pretty much the entire school and he had felt empathy and proceeded to help him. So, psychopathic? Maybe not, but he definitely wasn’t mentally stable.

 

“Yeah, where’s Saffaa? I just want to see her real quick then I’ll be out.” Zayn says distractedly and he can’t help but zone out a bit, an eery green stain on the linoleum floor acting like a hypnotic trance.

 

“Just in her room, probably reading.” Zayn nods and pushes himself off the counter. “And Zayn?” He pauses briefly halfway through the doorway. “Don’t be a stranger. Mum deserves to at least know you’re well.”

 

Zayn smiles tightly as a response and makes no promises. It’s his mum’s choice to keep locked up in her room, if she wanted to see Zayn that bad then she could. But Zayn knows the routine. She’ll cry to the girls about how she just wants to see her boy and when Zayn finally surfaces and fails to resemble his father in any way, his mother pretends to not be disappointed. But, he can tell. She makes it so obvious when her eyes stop shining seconds into the visit. Disappointing is one thing Zayn’s mastered the art of.

 

Rushing to leave, Zayn hugs Saffaa, gives her a too chaste kiss on the forehead, and lets her down as gently as possible when she asks if he can take her to the park. He hates making her hopeful mood disappear so he tells her to wait one second, runs (well walks faster than usual) to his old room, and comes back with a blank sketchpad and some of his nice drawing pencils and oil pastels that she can  be trusted with because despite being eight, she’s got a fast growing appreciation for the arts. 

 

“Thank you, Bubba.” she replies and holds her new gems close to her chest, glint returning to her eyes.

 

Zayn smiles at the nickname and kneels to press one more kiss to her hair and murmur a goodbye. It doesn’t get easier, no matter how man times he leaves. He knows he’s hurting the only person he can honestly say he loves and he’s never thought about it much before today but, he needs her more than she’ll ever need him and as soon as she’s old enough to realize it, which can’t be too far off because she’s so incredibly smart, he’s got nothing left. Because Saffaa’s his sister but he won’t force her to love him or even like him when she finds out how stupidly worthless he is. He wouldn’t like himself. He doesn’t like himself.

 

He makes it out the door and has a touch on the handle to the truck when he breaks. All the negative thoughts of the day seem to consume him all at once and suddenly he can’t breath. He’s not crying, he can’t cry in front of Liam again. Liam, who’s obliviously singing along to whatever song must be playing on the radio. Liam, who sat out in the cold to wait for Zayn who very well could’ve just walked back to his and Louis’. Liam, who’s suddenly got worry in his eyes and is rushing out of the truck and around to the passenger side.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. What happened? No,wait, you don’t have to answer that yet. Just tell me if you’re alright, yeah?” Liam’s wrapping Zayn in his arms and rubbing his arms soothingly from the bottom of his spine up to the curve of his head, pulling him into his chest. Zayn can’t really bring himself to care that his hair is getting messed up.

His response is a mediocre harsh intake of breath before his knees give out. Liam moves to sit them both on the ground but Zayn shakes his head in protest, he can’t chance his sisters looking out a window and seeing him with someone like this. Liam takes his wordless request and manages to open the door to the truck and climb inside, pulling Zayn onto his lap and kissing the back of his neck, arms wrapped tight around his middle.

“I need you to take some deep breaths, can you do that for me?” Zayn nods slightly and tries to match his breathing to Liam’s and it works a bit but his eyes are burning with unshed tears and he can’t hold it in anymore.

 

A wretched choked sob fills the truck and Zayn’s turning to bury his head in Liam’s chest before his mind can even yell at him to not to. He’s vulnerable and weak and everything he tries so hard to hide but Liam makes him feel safe enough to let his resolve slip. Liam’s doesn’t repeatedly coo “shh”  to Zayn like Louis does when he’s trying to comfort him and Zayn appreciates it because it takes a lot of effort for him to cry and he’d rather not be told to shut up once he’s letting his emotions show even if it’s meant to be a sound of comfort. Instead, Liam stays silent, just presses kisses onto Zayn’s head and tells him he doesn’t have to say a word until he’s ready even though Liam knows that that means Zayn will stay silent forever. 

 

Zayn takes in a long stuttering breath and lets it all out slowly “I’m sorry, I’m being stupid.” 

 

“It’s okay.” Liam says and presses two soft kisses to Zayn’s teary eye lids. Because he knows Zayn didn’t really mean _stupid_ what he meant was _human, vulnerable_ and that’s nothing to be sorry for.

 

“Can we go back to yours?” Zayn asks thickly. “Lou will question me to no end if he sees I’ve been crying.”

 

“Sure, love. But I can’t drive with you on my lap.” Liam smiles weakly and Zayn almost blushes as he scoots off of Liam and awkwardly gets situated onto the row of seats.

 

The encounter only makes Zayn feel better temporarily. Even after he explains to Liam in full honesty what happened and how he felt, he still feels like he’s lying somehow. He’s sulking in his guilt because he knows he’s going to eventually leave Liam, the only person who loves _and_ needs him the way he should in return, he needs Liam, he knows he does. He’s just not sure if he could ever love him.

 

He feels a second round of guilt when he and Liam are sat in front of the glass wall, admiring the view of the city lit up in the night, and Liam keeps on glancing over at him like he’s afraid Zayn’s going to throw himself through the glass to plummet to his death and Zayn wonders just how much Liam knows.

 

It turns out to be a lot. The second night in a row that Zayn stays over at Liam’s, Harry’s off on his runs and sleeping with Louis -literally, actually, they’ve seemed to finally cool down- they’re all alone and Zayn agrees almost happily when Liam suggests they have a movie night and cuddle on the couch. 

 

Zayn’s already curled underneath mounds of blankets and somehow still freezing, even when Liam settles in beside him with a tub of popcorn he can still feel the chill in his bones. When Liam tilts the bowl in offering Zayn can’t help but wrinkle his nose up in disgust and he hopes Liam doesn’t realize that he hasn’t eaten anything but a few pieces of toast these last two days. When he gets in moods like these, when he ‘drops’ as Liam calls it, the mere thought of food or any sort of sustenance makes him feel ill.

 

“Babe, if you’re gonna go out tonight then you need to eat something.” Liam doesn’t even sound upset or betrayed , just concerned but Zayn still freezes with fear, no, guilt.

 

“I- uh-I” Zayn’s at a loss.

 

All this time he thought he was being so sneaky,creeping out of bed late at night to go drink and get high off his arse and return by sunrise. And this whole time Liam knew, he _knew_ , he _knows,_ and this is the first he’s mentioned it. Zayn doesn’t know exactly what to feel although panic is set perpetually in the forefront of his mind.

 

“It’s alright Zayn, do what you need to do to get your space. You said it yourself that you’d need to get away sometimes and if this is how you cope then who am I to stop you?” Liam shoves the popcorn in his hands. “Now eat, you can’t be doing that stuff on an empty stomach.”

 

Zayn thinks he might puke. Actually, Zayn’s going to puke. He quickly rips the blankets off of his lap and tries to set the snack bowl down without spilling anything but the way he bolts for the bathroom has popcorn flying all over the polished wood floors. He barely makes it to the toilet before the entire contents of his stomach is being wretched and Zayn thinks briefly that he’s never been so thankful to see porcelain white in his life because he’d really rather not get his sick all over Liam and Harry’s million dollar bachelor pad. He’s pulled from his thoughts by a particularly acidic and throat burning wave of sick and he really regrets eating so little because his throat is going to be wrecked. 

 

It takes Liam all of two seconds to be crouched by side, stroking up and down his back, glass of water in tow.

 

“I’m such a prick. I didn’t mean to upset you, babe. I thought you remembered.” Liam blabbers. “ It’s alright, darling, here drink a bit of this.” 

 

Zayn takes the glass and ungracefully wipes a stringy bit of sick spit from his lip and sips carefully at the water. It isn't until he’s brushing his teeth (with his finger, because keeping toothbrushes at each other’s places is far too permanent) that Liam’s words catch up with him. He pauses mid finger scrub and meets Liam’s eyes in the bathroom mirror.

 

“Remembered what?” Zayn asks around his finger and a mouthful of frothy toothpaste.

 

“Finish washing up and come to bed, I’ll tell you in exchange for a cuddle.” Liam smiles fondly and Zayn rolls his eyes fondly and it’s all so loved up so why does Zayn still feel like mold?

Liam saunters off to clean up the mess Zayn made while Zayn cleans up the mess he’s made of himself. He’s got little purple dots under his eyes from straining so hard while dry retching after his stomach decided that sending stomach acid up his throat wasn’t painful enough. Now on top of feeling like he’s swallowed razor blades, his stomach is soar, and he looks like the walking dead. Splashing cold water on his face only helps refresh him a little so he swishes some mouth until it makes his eyes water and only then does he make his way to the familiar surroundings of Liam’s bedroom.

 

Liam’s room is far better than Harry’s, or what he remembers of it. Liam’s got a collection of vintage comics stacked neatly on his dresser that has a framed artsy rendition of every Marvel super hero in some mashup drawing above it. Secretly, Zayn’s favorite part is the David Beckham poster placed embarrassingly on the inside of Liam’s walk in closet door. And Zayn refuses to take a drawer in Liam’s dresser or a section in his closet but Liam quite likes the way Zayn’s stuff is almost unknowingly mixed in with his own. Zayn can see the little flashes of joy when Liam’s getting dressed in the morning and comes across one of Zayn’s jumpers mixed in with his laundry. It’s the little things, Zayn supposes.

 

Zayn crawls underneath the down feather duvet and lays on his back, Liam will explain without being asked, he knows this so he stays silent until Liam is ready to talk. Zayn knows he should be nervous but he feels so wrecked from two days of his body betraying him and there are literally hundreds of possibilities of what’s about to be spoken and his energy and nerves are lost somewhere in a sea of grey sheets.

 

Liam clears his throat and turns on his side, propping himself up on his elbow to look at Zayn. “ I knew the first night you left, I wasn’t asleep when you got up... or when you came back. Couldn’t sleep y’know? I was worried about Harry ‘cause he never gets like that, going off and giving his boyfriends promise rings. And I reckoned you just needed to clear your head a bit too so I didn’t speak up.” Liam pauses and looks down a bit and Zayn keeps quiet, he knows that Liam is figuring out how he wants to word what he’s about to say because he’s pre-emptive and wants to say the right thing, he’s not Zayn.

 

“And when you came back I could smell it on you. I think you forget who I live with and all that he’s dragged me through, Zayn. It’s not lost on me when you crawl back in bed smelling like alcohol and your pupils are always still a bit wonky in the mornings when the ecstasy hasn’t worn off...” Liam’s gaze flicks back up to meet Zayn’s and his eyebrows are pulled together in sorrow but not regret, taking in everything Liam is confessing.

 

“Then a few nights after it started you came back absolutely plastered. I mean I almost took you to the hospital, I was sure someone had laced whatever it was you took but I didn’t want to get you in trouble so I made you sit down and tell me everything you drank and took that night and you just kind of told me everything. About every time you ever snuck out and about some old friend of yours who you re-united with and you sounded so happy and I couldn’t mess that up for you. So when you woke up the next morning and seemed alright I didn’t question it.” Liam finishes and takes Zayn’s hand in his own, playing with his fingers like a child, splaying his palm out and tracing over the smooth skin with his callused finger tips.

 

“I-I won’t anymore.” Zayn looks concentrated and can’t seem to pull his eyes away from Liam’s pouty bottom lip.

 

“I mean I’d like it if you weren’t putting yourself out in danger every other night but do what you need to do, babe. I don’t want to suffocate you or anything and I really feel shit for not shutting you up when you started to talk ‘cause you obviously weren’t in any state to be telling me all of that but- and I’m sorry I took advantage of that but youd’ve stopped smiling, Zayn. And when you smile you light up, love, your eyes crinkle and you press the tip of your tongue to your teeth and it’s prettier than anything I’ve ever seen.” 

 

His heart flutters wildly, “I’m glad I told you.” and Zayn honestly is because even Louis wouldn’t have handled the situation with so much ease. 

 

Liam slowly and carefully drapes himself over Zayn and kisses up and down his chest and stomach then looks into his eyes as if to question if he’s allowed. Zayn nods once and Liam smiles fondly and dips  his head back down again. Zayn closes his eyes and take a deep breath, runs his fingers through Liam’s short hair and lets the words sink in. Liam thinks he’s got a nice smile and after all they’ve been through it shouldn’t mean that much but it does. It makes Zayn feel like maybe he isn’t as well hidden as he thinks he is, maybe this fantastic boy knows him better than he knows himself.

 

“Want you.” Liam murmurs between kisses and Zayn almost misses it because he’s focusing so hard on the way Liam is stroking up and down his side. 

 

The way he says it sounds so simple but the moment is anything but. It feels monumental to Zayn, like some sort of nostalgia even though they’ve never been here before, not like this. They fuck after nights out or during lazy days in when there’s nothing better to do, not after heart felt confessions. But here they are and now Liam wants Zayn to top. _Liam wants Zayn inside of him._

 

“Please.” and he’s begging for it.

 

Zayn’s eyes widen, they’ve never done it that way before. Liam’s never asked and Zayn’s never trusted himself enough to suggest it. He’s always been too afraid he’d go into auto pilot, lost in the adrenaline and be too rough. Or worse, that he’d zone out and just stop, frozen in some place he always gets lost in. 

 

Liam rolls his hips down and Zayn’s pulled back, kissing Liam fiercely because he’s there, he’s real. He can do this. So he does. He flips them over and Liam is so pliant under his touch and he’s never had it like this before. With someone so submissive and trusting and it’s absolutely lovely.

 

He takes his time, more than necessary, but Liam’s a bit of a virgin and Zayn really doesn’t want to make his first experience a particularly sore one. Plus he’s making the most wonderful little whimpers and has his eyes screwed up, clenching the sheets and Zayn smirks because he has no idea how much greater its about to get. Zayn’s never been very vocal in bed, or anywhere really, but he remembers how Louis talked him through it his first time in Liam’s position and how comforting and reassuring words felt.

 

“So beautiful like this.” Liam opens his eyes and cups Zayn’s jaw, looking up at him with stars in his eyes and this is it.

 

“Beautiful ever-ugh. _Zayn._ ” Zayn smiles crookedly and Liam loses it, fingers replaced with _ZAYN. ZAYN.ZAYN._ and he feels so complete.  

 

Zayn grips Liam’s hand tightly as a warning and it’s all over to soon, but it’s been a while since he’s had something wrapped so tightly around him. Liam is some sort of demigod because not two seconds after the warning his breath hitches, he breathes Zayn’s name like a mantra, and they're coming at the same time and Zayn doesn’t remember that ever happening with Louis. And he should really stop comparing the two, ones the past and the other’s his present, maybe even future and there is absolutely nothing to compare.

 

They’re both in some sort of stunned silence for a few minutes then Liam squirms uncomfortably and Zayn rolls off him and he can still see little white dots when he closes his eyes. The peace won’t last for long though, Liam had quite literally snatched the condom from Zayn and thrown it to the ground before he even got the chance to open it and after a brief pause to make sure they were both safe, they continued at an even faster pace. Soon enough Liam won’t be too comfortable with the results of not having a condom to catch Zayn’s seed and Zayn will have to wipe Liam’s come off his stomach and chest before it starts to dry to his skin and they’ll have to get up and clean themselves.

 

“You’re beautiful everywhere.” Liam states out of the blue but it’s not, Zayn quickly remembers Liam’s unfinished thought when he’d finally slid inside him.

 

Zayn turns to cling to Liam’s side like a koala as his response and kisses his sweaty temple. He may not have anything else in this world but he has Liam and slowly he’s starting to realize that that might be enough.

 

He wakes up the next morning in the same exact place and never in his life has he ever slept so soundlessly which shouldn’t have been possible with the come crusted on stomach and the stained sheets that must be under Liam. He thinks vaguely that he should probably call Louis and tell him he’s alive because they haven’t spoken in a few days but then again Harry’s probably relaying whatever Liam says to him. But, there are for more important topics at hand, like how Liam’s doing and when the hell did Zayn start caring so much.

 

Silently, always silent, he undrapes his arm from Liam’s waist and pushes himself up to straddle his stomach, too nervous to put pressure on his lower half just in case. He bends over and tickles Liam’s face with his long fringe and the boy sputters awake, registers what’s happening, and nearly splits his face in a half with an eye crinkling smile.

 

“Someone’s feeling affectionate this morning.” Liam notes and pulls Zayn downs for a kiss on the forehead because romance is great but morning breath is not.

 

Zayn hums in agreement and noses into Liam’s cheek before sitting up again and taking in the lovely view of a sleepy, rugged Liam. 

 

“C’mon, we need to get washed up, I’d rather not have your sperm permanently seep into my skin.” Liam makes some smart remark about how his sperm makes a great moisturizer thank you very much then decides that he’d also like to clean up the seeping mess between his thighs and sits up, relieved to only feel a small fading ache in his bum.

 

Zayn gathers a few towels and some clothes to change into while Liam scrunches his nose up at the mess on his sheets and decidedly rips them off and throws them into  pile on the floor. He’s got a shower to take with his extremely hot boyfriend, laundry can wait.

 

Zayn’s already under the steaming stream of water when Liam wobbles in and joins him with a kiss to the bird tattoo in between his shoulder blades. Zayn turns to face Liam and almost gasps. He gets caught off guard sometimes, notices how much smaller than Liam he is. How Liam’s got these developed, toned muscles and how his fingers can loop around Zayn’s wrist almost twice. And Zayn’s always been the scrawny artsy kid, but compared to Liam he’s like a twig, he should snap under Liam’s heady touch but somehow it seems to make him stronger.  

 

Zayn wants to know just how small he can make  himself so he tucks his head under the curve of Liam’s neck and fold his arms up in between their chests and closes his eyes against the steady stream of the shower. Liam sighs contentedly and washes Zayn’s hair along with his own and is very liberal in scrubbing the body wash over every crevice of Zayn’s slippery skin. They don’t normally touch like this, without intent, and Zayn only allows himself to revel in it a little bit.

 

They towel each other off and figure that putting on clothes might be a good idea considering Harry and/or Louis could walk in at any moment. Liam decides on a pair of grey sweats and the same t-shirt he’d worn after their first night together, and it makes Zayn feel uneasy, like it’s some sort of nostalgia but they’re not old enough to be nostalgic yet. 

 

Zayn haphazardly tugs on Liam’s Adida’s hoodies and a pair of black skinny jeans that sag on his narrow hips a bit and need washing. Liam’s making a fry up and he’s rummaging through the house because his phone has to be there somewhere. When he finally finds it, kicked under the couch, there’s barely any battery left and he’s got about a million and one missed texts and calls from Louis which is normal. What throws him off is the single voicemail left in his inbox.

 

He checks that message first. figures it’s Louis moaning about not having enough food in the house when he’s the one who does the shopping. Liam walks in with his mouth already half forming a question and Zayn gives him a weak gesture to shut up but it doesn’t get lost in translation and Liam stops himself short.

 

“Zayn, you prick.” Which isn’t an uncommon greeting from Louis, but his worried tone is. “Niall’s hurt. He’s in hospital. Just.. come, please.” the line cuts and even though there are sirens reeling somewhere in the distance and there’s food sizzling in the kitchen and the automated voice is asking if Zayn would like to hear the message again and Liam is asking if everything is alright, Zayn can’t hear a thing. The message is a few hours old. Niall could already be gone by now.

 

His ears are ringing and he mutters a string of incoherent words but Liam catches  ‘hospital’ and ‘Niall’ and ‘take me’ and its enough to have him running back into the kitchen, throwing the pan of halfway cooked food into the sink, and chasing after Zayn down the stairs. Zayn smokes about a pack every two days and Liam is an almost Olympic runner so it doesn’t take long for him to catch up, hot on Zayn’s heels.

 

Zayn’s still in some sort of shock, it feels like he’s under water, only resurfaces when Liam punches the brakes and they’re screeching to a stop in front of the hospital entrance.

“Go on, I’ll park.” Zayn nods and unbuckles his belt, pecks Liam on the lips, and stumbles out of the truck thinking ‘holy shit I can’t do this.’

 

The last time he was at this hospital, his father had died and Zayn vowed to never step foot inside again, he’d rather just die than have the doctors kill him. The only way he’d gotten through it before was because Niall had abandoned his anxiety for the night and yelled at the nurses to go back to college and learn how to do their damn job, even yelled at the receptionist to annunciate and work on his penmanship. He’d turned into a right hero, taking care of his sisters and helping his mum fill out paper work. All the while Zayn sat uselessly in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position while he heard the defibrillator pump once, twice, a third time, then the steady ringing of a dead heartbeat on the monitor. 

 

He’s still standing there in the doorway when Liam jogs up to him and places a gentle hand on the curve of his lower back. He doesn’t ask Zayn why he literally can’t move his feet to step into the waiting room, assumes all the fear is towards his friend’s well being or rather lack thereof. Liam doesn’t force him inside either, just wraps his arms around Zayn and whispers into his temple about how no matter what, they’ll make it through, every few words punctuated by a kiss. And normally that would pull Zayn back up, be the life jacket thrown before he drowns but he thinks that this time, the words came too late.

 

He can see Louis sitting in the waiting room, or rather the back of his head and when the lad glances over his shoulder to see Zayn and Liam in the door way, his eyes widen and he’s bounding out of his chair and towards them.Up close, Louis’ got bags under his  red rimmed eyes and his thin sweater is pulled over his fingers in a pathetic attempt to create warmth, arms crossed over his chest like a re-assuring hug to himself.

 

“Zed.” Louis chokes out in a sob then pushes Liam away so he can hug Zayn himself.

 

Zayn hasn’t seen Louis cry sober since his stepdad left and even that was out of frustration and the stress of having to step up as family man rather than out of sadness. Zayn can’t ask. Doesn’t want to know really. Because saying it out loud makes it true and Niall can’t be dead, he just can’t be. So instead he holds Louis tight and stares blankly ahead  through the glass doors of the hospital. From what he can see, nothing’s changed. Everything is still bleach white and harsh, his nose is practically already burning with the scent of sterilizing chemicals.

 

“I know this is hard for you, but please, Zayn. Please.” Louis whispers so softly, only for Zayn’s ears.

 

Zayn nods once then let’s himself be led inside, Louis’ small hand wrapped around his wrist and Liam’s huge one settled protectively around his waist. He almost feels like he’s betraying himself and sends the faded navy plastic chairs a nasty glare before settling slowly into one. There’s no use in asking if he can go see Niall because he knows the answers always no, no you can’t be there to hold your loved one’s hand while they slip away. 

 

“It was uh. Freak thing, really.” Louis sniffles pathetically and laughs bitterly. “ Harry got um, caught up in a bad deal and so uh...” Louis breaks into more tears and Liam leans in, listening intently and Zayn thinks he’s going to kill Harry, then Louis, then himself because they’re all fucking idiots.

 

Louis takes a deep breath and wipes at his eyes. “So uh the guy sent his mate to beat me up ‘cause I guess they’ve seen me and Harry about and stuff and that _stupid promise ring shit_ and they sent a guy to jump me or whatever. And we were all out yeah and Niall gets handsy when he’s wasted and he must’ve been hangin’ on Harry or something and I went to take a piss and the guy must’ve mistaken him for me and Niall went round the back to have a smoke or something and.” Louis cuts himself off, eyes going distant like he’s living it all over again in his head. 

 

“ I found him just lying half dead in the alley way.” Louis swallows thickly and rubs his hands over his face and that’s when Zayn notices the absence of that god damn ring. “I’m uh not talking to Harry.” Louis adds and glances at Liam sheepishly.

 

Zayn’s about to finally speak, to just scream really because the last person in the world to deserve that sort of thing is Niall, then Perrie comes busting through the doors, sweats two sizes too big and hung low on her hips, they’re Niall’s. Her hair is in a wild ponytail and she’s got tear streaks down her face and neck and Zayn feels that familiar fondness he felt when he first met her. Like a natural instinct to protect her like one of his sisters.

 

She’s looking around a bit helplessly with a pout on her lips and worry in her eyes. And it’s funny how Zayn’s body can just move without permission because before he knows it, he’s standing and enveloping Perries in his arms. Even though he’s had the experience, he’s still shit and handling these kinds of situations. He doesn’t offer words of encouragement like Liam did him, just holds her and let’s her cry into his chest.

 

Four hours later and the four of them are still crouched together in the waiting room. Perrie’s resting her head on his shoulder and doing these little hiccuping sighs and Liam’s sitting on his other side, arm looped with Zayn’s. Louis’ pacing up and down the corridor looking guiltier and closer to killing Harry each time he asks a nurse if Niall’s ready for visitors and the answer is a firm no. And Zayn can’t help but think how he’s completely and utterly fucked.

 

Because when he inevitably drifts out a bit too far, these people will be worrying over him in a hospital waiting room and he doesn’t want that. Doesn’t want to inflict anymore misery than he already has. He’ll go when it’s quiet and he’ll go quietly. Liam squeezes his hip and Perrie lifts her head from her shoulder expectantly. Zayn looks up to find a balding man in a pristine white scrub coat standing above them. Louis stops his pacing and rushes to the doctor, spewing a rush of questions intermingled with insults at him,

 

“We’ve finally got him stabilized. He’s got some nasty bruises, a few broken ribs, and he’s gonna need some dental work. Those, of course are minor to an extent and will heal within a few weeks. What we’re worried about is internal damage, bleeding, injuries to his spleen, and such.” The doctor pauses for a short moment and Louis looks like a savage.

 

“He’s on a high dosage of morphine right now so on the off chance that he’s ,managed to stay awake, anything he says will be incoherent but you can still see him. I suggest maybe going in pairs rather than the lot of you as not to overwhelm him.” Before the doctor’s finished Perrie and Louis are already half way down the hall.

 

Zayn’s suddenly pissed, Louis doesn’t deserve to see him, he’s the reason he’s in this state. Zayn chases after him and wordlessly pulls him by the back of his collar and surges himself forward rather than ripping Louis back, he’s not that strong. Louis only huffs indignantly, he realizes he’s at fault here and Zayn and Niall have always had a special bond and he’s not going to tell Perrie to hang back because she deserves to see him and to be honest, Louis’ a little scared of her.

 

Zayn opens the door to Niall’s private room and that’s how he knows it’s serious, minor injuries get a shared room and are discharged after a night. Niall’s going to be here for a bit. Zayn let’s Perrie in ahead of him and attempts to say something encouraging but he hasn’t spoken in hours and his voice barely comes out. Perrie clings to Niall’s side, has his hand gently in her own before Zayn has time to even quietly shut the door. Niall’s sleeping and needs all the rest he can get, Zayn won’t be responsible for waking him.

 

“You think he can still hear us in his sleep, like in the movies and shit?” Perrie questions, eyes still attached to Niall. 

 

Zayn shrugs, looking anywhere but the hospital bed, he can’t see his mate like that. So close to death all because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. When he finally manages to sink into the chair on the other side of the bed and get a good look at Niall he almost wishes he hadn't. There are clumps of blood in Niall’s blonde hair that the nurses have yet to clean, the veins under eyes are prominent and a sickly purpley blue, he’s got a wrap around his head to cover his jaw and there’s blood seeping through the dressings already. 

 

“You should talk to him, he loves your voice.” Perrie says matter of factly, like she just knows that, like Niall didn’t even tell her and it was just something she observed.

 

Zayn doesn’t say anything, just sakes his head and brings Niall's limp hand to his forehead and prays to a god that he hasn’t acknowledged in years. It’s all he can do really at this point. Get drunk on false hope and at like some higher power will fix Niall, not the machine helping him breath or the morphine keeping him sustained.

 

An hour passes in silence, Perries hushed weeps subsiding after the first twenty minutes then she’s just staring at Zayn in curiosity. He can feel her eyes on him but he’s too busy staring daggers at Niall’s heart, making threats to it if it were to stop beating, to do anything about it.

 

“I’ve got a cousin who can phsyco analyze you.” Perrie’s voice breaks the beloved silence and for the first time that night, Zayn speaks clearly.

 

“What. The hell.” He deadpans unamused. His mental stability isn’t exactly stable to be honest and joking about it is the last thing he’d like to do.

 

“Sorry, you just seem disturbed is all. I’m really bad at small talk.” Perrie blushes and looks fondly down at Niall’s hand in her own.

 

“Then how the hell did you two ever make it past the first date.” Zayn chooses to ignore the first part.

 

“We um- we aren’t dating. It was started that way but we decided it’d be better off if we were just friends.” Perrie doesn’t sound all too put off but Zayn thinks it’s just a front.

 

“And why’s that?” It might be nosy but.

 

“He reckoned he wasn’t really loving me. The medicine was.” Zayn furrows his eyebrows and doesn’t know whether to feel heartbroken because Perrie is or because his best mate is struggling and he hasn’t even been there for him.

 

“ I reckon, with you around, he doesn’t even need the medicine.” Perrie smiles sadly at Zayn’s words but what she says next trumps all of his attempts at worldliness.

 

“That’s not how it works, Zayn.” She says solemnly. “People can’t just fix each other with affection and medication. We’ve got to fix ourselves. If he’s not ready to do that, he’s not ready to love anyone. And he may never be ready to fix himself. Some people are just meant to live broken.” 

 

And that although unapliccable to Niall, Zayn thinks, is very very true. He tells her as much.

 

They fall asleep over Niall, Louis left to worry for another day. And Zayn’s not guilty for it, he’s just had a revelation for christ’s sake.

 


End file.
